crows: (alan)
Watched the first half of Sense and Sensibility with the girls last night. Alan Rickman is like the spoonful of sugar that makes the Jane Austen go down.

Or, perhaps the spoonful of quinine. I don't think miss Jane needs so much more sugar.

Nah, I kid. It was a lovely film all in all (even the parts that didn't have Alan in it!) and I look forward to seeing the second half, but I was tired and I needed to get up to the hospital to pay another visit to the baby-mama. There's no baby yet... the holding pattern of yesterday was, they were keeping her until they could get a delivery room, and then they were going to start the process of inducing labor. Nobody called over night so I assume nothing has changed.

I'm also working hard on reminding myself to "not try so hard until such a time that other parties involved start putting in effort as well".

That's all, except for this:

Dear Colonel Brandon.
Marianne is not good enough for you. I am quite sure, however, that we can come to a more than suitable agreement. Keep your boots on.
Love,
M
crows: (alan)
Today, I'm making a giant, giant batch of chocolate chip cookies and watching Dogma by myself (I haven't seen it yet). If, by tomorrow night he still hasn't been bothered to speak to me on the matters that I've been pouring my heart out in agony about for months... I really am going to tell him that it's done, and I can't wait any longer.

Or god damnit I'm going to try. It still makes me pale to think about. I don't slash people out of my life ruthlessly. I just don't do it. I think, in a lot of cases, it's a pretty shitty thing to do and for the most part I do a good job of not associating myself with people who will cause me to do something like that in the first place. But I can't do this any more... and because I've done it for so long, I can't stay in his company at all. Not for a long time, anyway.
crows: (alan)
Though not a happy new year's eave; it should be celebratory, but it isn't. I'm not feeling well and, to boot, it's just... not a good night. I hope the ache in my bones, and in my stomach, is the last of the poison and stupidity of this entire year getting ready to blast out of my system.

The Corolle company (they make baby dolls, for anyone who isn't familiar) sent us a bottle of good French champagne. Mother and I are enjoying glasses each. Good champagne is... just that, it turns out. I've not had much of 'the bubbly' in my life and never found it totally offensive, but never had much of a taste for it, either. I'm not a big fan of things that are carbonated in general... so if it ends up tasting like carbonated white wine, you can count me out. This, however... this honestly does have a flavor all its own. It's very nice.

I reiterate. 2009 is going to be devastatingly win.

Also, all I want for... New Year... is... well, you know ;)

Shit.

Dec. 19th, 2008 12:13 am
crows: (alan)
My god, it has -not- been a good day. I'm posting with my Alan icon again because... obviously that will make me feel better.

Corey offered to assist with a dark ritual to remove my heart and sustain me by magic. Or possibly a hamster.

I need to find a way to establish some emotional boundaries between myself and a variety of people in my life. I don't want to just cut them out of it, and I'm not going to. But I need to put some walls up, and maybe like... a fucking moat. How do you do this? Without ruining everything? I don't really think, rationally, that these people WANT to be all THAT close to me at the moment... AS IT IS.

I think maybe tomorrow I need to look at writing down some specific affirmations/contingencies to help me not fall into doing the same old things. Things perhaps that I need to not think to myself, calls I need to not make, emails I need to not send, times when I need to not be... a present observer. Things I need to stop paying attention to. I feel like maybe they should be more positive though... so that I don't just keep telling myself I'm wrong all the time. I get enough of that externally...

I just really need to turn all of the energy in my life all the way around. And I don't know how to do that.
crows: (alan)
Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] iconseeyou for the icon.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] alaskanmermaid to finding it for me and being a bad influence in all sorts of other oh-so-good ways.

;)

RE:

Oct. 24th, 2008 01:41 pm
crows: (Default)
The Day. I shouldn't be spending it in the apartment alone but I don't have the energy to go out and do anything. I don't think I'm making anything worse; it's hot and I'd probably make myself sick if I just went to wander around aimlessly, since I haven't had more than 7 hours of sleep in the last two days. Could take myself to the cinema? Anything playing? I doubt it. Maybe I'll go down to BestBuy and see if they have anything with Alan in it on the cheap. Can't watch Die Hard too many times, can you? I mean really. Being in love with a British man whom I've never met and could be my father is so superior to having a boyfriend; I'm unequivocally sure of this fact because it can never allow this thing that I am in right now to occur again.

Secondly, [livejournal.com profile] thesescarsspeak and [livejournal.com profile] williamlee, you guys totally rock for checking in with me (without reading the former post). Also, [livejournal.com profile] comarre, [livejournal.com profile] fuzzbean, [livejournal.com profile] wild_eagle, thanks for responding. It really does make a difference; talk to you all sooner or later. Much love. Much love.

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