crows: (red)
In the space of my education, which is taking up some space in terms of time I have to actually devote to it and time it takes from my ability to make money to do shit with, I am not doing anything creative.

I have not been doing anything creative for a year and a half. More.

It's gen eds. I know. It's part of the process. There's nothing to be done for it. I'm closer to the end of all that than I am the beginning, and hoping that the latter two years of undergrad will be at least marginally better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not expecting to transfer into the university and spend the next two years frolicking through rainbowsparkle flocks of the butterflies of enlightenment where my peers and instructors alike line up to suck the wonderwang of my heretofore unmatched genius. But it would be nice to be writing, in at least one or two of my classes at any given time. And it would be nice if, occasionally, some of that writing was allowed to be something that, generally speaking, I wanted to write. Even within guidelines. That's fine. Maybe some fiction? Just a little? I'm not even asking to write science fiction. I just want to be given a little chunk of my school-allotted time to make shit up.

It's not like that's what I'd like to be doing with my education, and my life, in the long run, or anything.


Mar. 13th, 2012 10:09 pm
crows: (caw)
The recordings from The Quire's winter concert finally went online at some point in recent history, and I've downloaded them tonight. It was a nice concert, we did a lot of good music and I really enjoyed it. I also, like Cabaret, sang a solo, and got really worked up about it beforehand, and et cetera.

I'm not tremendously impressed, hearing the recording. It's not terrible, I've had worse, but I sound nervous. My voice should be clearer and steadier than this - shit, my voice is clearer and steadier than this. I really miss being in voice lessons. I need to start practicing more. I need to start recording my practice sessions and listening to them, and working on the many and varied flaws in my technique. I need to read more and do some more theory and...

Don't mind me, just some existential angst specifically in my musician-self. I'm sure it was better live, where people could not only hear but see me being frozen and awkward on the stage! :D


Oct. 2nd, 2009 12:25 pm
crows: (Default)
Last night, I was awake with unnatural energy until about four AM. Slept, had a terrible dream, can't shake the bad feeling. The bad feeling isn't dream-specific, it just feels like I am incapable of being positive, like everything is going to be disaster. I'm worried about getting a job, worried about the emotional attachment in my life, everything. There's not any reason for this. So I'm knitting to calm my nerves and hoping tomorrow looks better.


Jun. 3rd, 2009 12:19 am
crows: (Default)
A side effect of the world becoming real, again: I'm tired of 'social networking'. I'm bored with much of the internet. Facebook annoys the piss out of me. Twitter's good for a quick laugh now and again, but it's never been a lot more than that to me. I've been drifting in and out of touch with LiveJournal and similar blogging for years. More and more, it feels like this giant crowded room full of chatter and not enough substance. Hearing about the euphoria and tragedy in the lives of loved ones through this media makes me feel so disconnected, so much like I can't offer anything to the people I care about. It means nothing that I RT or click 'Like' or drop some seventeen-word comment that I'm thinking of you.

But I am thinking of you. Through it all, this remains.

Who will write letters to me? I will write letters to you.
crows: (black raven)
Ok. Today was a marked improvement over yesterday... I have almost something like a passable grip on the work I'm behind on (that I have to turn in tomorrow). I'll be able to pull it out; I always do. Last Thursday - the day off I planned to do most of this assignment on and the last one I had prior to leaving this Friday for Iowa - was a shitty day too, and I... didn't get any of it done. Well, no, I did a couple of calls but not nearly enough. Today was more productive even if I was fitting it into the cracks. Desperately. The emotional state of the last several days, though, has been one where I feel like I'm barely holding on, even if I'm not wholly sure why. It's just been one of those down swings... I've gone from failing to have hope in the future to just doing my best not to think of it at all until its over and I can be a little more positive. If I were making any plans, of course, this would grind things to a total halt. Maybe, on the other hand, if I were making any plans I wouldn't feel this way.

I pickled my stomach with caffeine today and was still falling asleep on my feet by about four. I guess that's what I get. On the other hand, I finished We Have Always Lived in the Castle; marvelous. Having taken some time away from reading heavily due to being so horrifically scatterbrained I couldn't keep a thought in my head for too high a number of months, I'd almost forgotten how distracting the insatiable desire to read is when I have so much god damn other stuff to do. The Iowa portion of my mid-west trip is probably going to be very quiet, big-scheme; I'll have to take a couple of books (along with, of course, the work of friends to read: [ profile] mermaidrain's short stories, the novel of [ profile] lizard115 which I'm halfway through and loving, and the novel of [ profile] alaskanmermaid which I'm extremely excited about) and actually sit down with them.


Apr. 19th, 2009 11:38 pm
crows: (red)
I abolish this day. Sundays are bad... almost always. I don't know why. Today started out looking promising; I made myself breakfast to eat on the way to work and got out of the house nice and early, feeling awake. Before I'd even acquired my morning coffee, things had turned to total shit and left me sobbing in the back room of work. It's frustrating and embarrassing, bawling my eyes out in front of other people, even if it is only semi-public. Even if they do care about me; my co-workers are not my intimate friends and confidants (even if some of them are during the times when they're not my co-workers). I told myself I just had to hold on until Julie came in with the baby, and then I'd feel better. Which, to be fair, I did.

Ridiculous headache the day long though. Went to go see [ profile] vayleen this evening, which is always uplifting, but nonetheless, the day has just felt... wrong. I haven't gotten enough done, I have a lot hanging over my head in the next several days. I'll be out of town to the midwest for more than a week starting bright and early Friday morning. I've been dreaming of plane crashes. I'm scared to spend time with my family... my grandparents are not well and the rest of my relations are somewhat dramatic and I don't have the emotional fortitude for it. Days like today, I feel like so much as a few hours in the thick of it might break me in half. I'm so god damn drained. And I still need to start making -concrete- plans for collecting my things in Los Angeles. I wanted this year - this whole year - to be my fresh start, and it feels disgustingly out of reach, still. It's mid-April. I'm not making progress.

Alright, back to real life. I need to tidy my borrowed place as there will be people in it tomorrow while I'm away, and wake up early enough in the morning to clean the kitchen before I leave.
crows: (Default)
This Valentines Day
I want to set on fire
All you once sent me

<3 Everyone.


Jan. 2nd, 2009 05:21 pm
crows: (Default)
Major Issue #1 of 2009:

The motor in the furnace in my family's house failed during some of the coldest weather we've seen in many years. When I left this morning, the indoor temperature was 37; outside it was -13, a more than ten degree drop from where it hovered around zero yesterday. The forecast suggests it might be down to -30 tonight. Fortunately, they did find a new motor for our 30 odd year old furnace and were able to install it today so we have heat. The motor (replaced a few years ago) burned out so quickly because there is a deeper problem in the furnace (which we knew was probably toward the end of its days as it is...) so it will need to be overhauled next year. In summer.

We don't think any pipes burst. There was ice somewhere in the plumbing leading up to the bathtub that I use (it didn't drain this morning) but that's happened before without dire consequences.

Anyway. Feels a little like a narrow miss, that does.

Less pressingly, I finally went to download Wrath of the Lich King last night... upgraded my account and all. I was surprised that the installer only prompted me for a 30 minute wait but I went to bed anyway because it was late and I knew I wasn't going to sleep well. Turns out that the installer was just downloading another installer which has yet to download the client :\ so, I have to do THAT tonight since it's like a gig or more and the rents' internet is slow. AND there's a 15 minute queue for Lightbringer! What gives! I've been counting toys for three days, my brain is mush, and I want to play WoW mindlessly.

I guess this is a good sign that I should maybe go play some guitar.

Happy trails, y'all.

Ooh... maybe I should bake. I haven't had an opportunity to use my new cookie press yet.

(What, Marie? No angst in this post? No no, there's plenty of angst left. Don't worry. I'm just not feeling very articulate about it just now.)
crows: (caw)
WARNING -- This toy contains a small ball. Not intended for children under three years.

I just thought I'd mention that, if I'm bitching in this thing, and you're reading it? It probably isn't about you; or if it is, it is only a little tiny bit and it's mostly about other things. Other things that would not be reading my LJ. I'm not into that, particularly; posting ridiculous little jabs and jibes in hopes that the intended person reads them and gets the hint. You may be among the list of people whom I want to be aware for some reason that I'm having a hard time right now; but no, not because of a specific issue I'm trying to communicate to a specific person.

This post is no exception. While I've received this response to a few of the things I've posted to LJ; I mean this generally, lest anyone who hasn't voiced it believes I'm angry with them in particular for some reason. Among other things, the LJ blog is for me - as it is for so many - a place to let off a little steam. 99.9% chance at any given time that's all I'm doing.

/chuck small ball into audience
/hope to god a small child DOES choke on it
crows: (Default)
This is the part where I crab and whine about being angry at things in my life.

Now is a time for letting go, moving on. I'm really tired of feeling this fucked up about all of this... how much time have I wasted this year, trying to pursue or patch this kind of thing? He used to talk about how we'd have this marvelous love story... all the letters we wrote to one another before I moved. How we'd have this -record- of what we went through.

I just deleted all of them. Every email I sent, every email he sent to me... I don't want or need the temptation to go back through and read them, I take no pleasure in reopening that wound. They're all gone. I may log back into my email and 'empty' the trash folder just to add a last kick of finality to it. I'm really tired of being treated like I'm worthless. If his level of disinterest is this high, and he didn't have the decency to at least tell me 'no' when I've asked him whether or not this was still important in some fashion? Fuck that.

I don't intend on burning the bridge. That's stupid, and I'm generally above that. And for god's sake he is still important to me, damn it all; that doesn't mean I'm not angry. A little communication really -isn't- a lot to ask for. I really thought we were both a lot less adolescent than to just sit and hope she gets the hint and fucks off of her own accord. Who knows, maybe next week he'll -really- have something to say for himself, something that will make the difference. Somehow, I doubt that very much.

Till then, you -really- don't want my evil eye right now.

(There's good news, too; and fun things going on. I'll talk about those soon <3)


crows: (Default)

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