crows: (alan)
The monster is so close. Close enough that all day, post the very early anxiety-attack morning, I've wondered off and on whether it might be worth trying to get in with a therapist.

Ha, ha.

With what money? With what trust?

I feel awful. When my head was racing last night I thought I had a lot of things to say about it, that maybe writing them would help. Maybe writing anything would help (isn't that a thing we used to do?) but all my thoughts are falling apart like wet paper.

Day Four.

Mar. 28th, 2013 07:48 pm
crows: (red)
The downstairs neighbor (or rather, her belligerent douchebag boyfriend) was at it again last night, cranking the music up with as far as I can tell the specific intent of pissing her and the rest of the house off. They've gotten at least one disorderly house fine, several visits from the police on noise complaints, and a sternly worded letter from the landlady and on more than one occasion we've heard him turning the noise up and her turning it back down and them fighting about it. He knows he's getting her evicted.

Upshot being I didn't sleep much, not nearly enough to recover fully from yesterday and go in to work at 515. Work was... pretty god damn busy, and I've been feeling dimly nauseous and fairly foggy most of the day. So I came home and washed my tattoo and laid on the couch in my piejams and watched stupid television for the afternoon and now Delia is making supper.

My feet didn't hurt much at/after work. I've worked slightly fewer hours this week but not a lot, and have gone comparably pain free. This seems to be a marked improvement. And despite feeling sort of tired and crapped out physically in other ways (I think feeling a little bit drained after the ink experience is reasonable, especially given that I didn't have a good opportunity to sleep it off), my mood isn't suffering a lot. I mean, I didn't want to be at work, but I don't normally want to be at work at the end of the week when I've only slept a few hours. So all in all, not miserable, not dipping into too much anxiety (Kris the tattoo lady said she's been taking B vits as of recently as well and they're helping her anxiety a lot), and feeling like I'll be able to get things done and enjoy myself throughout my next couple of lighter days (and Sunday off - off of everything, even choir).

Also, I had violently apocalyptic dreams last night. Not nightmares... definitely frightening but fear wasn't the central part of the dream and I didn't wake up upset. Only had fragments when I came out, but committed what I could to memory. It was all very bright... very sunny (outside), very clay colored. Terra cotta and dust. People were dying of... something. I don't know if it was plague, or what, but they were rotting away, like some combination of sepsis and gangrene. Not in a zombie way, though... everyone was still aware. Spitting up green, blotched and soft, bloating like corpses. I was in a house full of survivors (some of us were survivors longer than others). Boarded up, chaos on the outside, don't really know what was going on. When I left... I was alone. But I don't think I was the last person alive in the house, maybe we just all split up at that point. I don't feel like I knew much about any of those people. Anyway, I found my way toward people who had lived through at least that wave of whatever was happening. There was some kind of semi-organized gathering place, a cafeteria or meeting hall or something, and I was befriended by two Indian people (a man and a woman; siblings or good friends). We decided to stick together... I have a dim sense of there being some kind of authority, sort of. A presence trying, if sternly, to keep us safe, and a threat from the outside but I don't know if it was the sickness or something more sentiently malicious or what. I kept trying to convince them to go back to my house so I could get some of my things (cell phones still seemed to be working, and I wanted mine, and my ipod, and a couple of other things). I'm unclear now whether my house was where I'd been with all the dying people or not. I also feel like I had some other reason for wanting to go back that I was hesitant to tell them, but I don't remember what it was.

Day Three.

Mar. 27th, 2013 09:10 pm
crows: (Default)
Worked a short shift. Very busy, cranky at business, but nothing stuck. Lots of nerves and good anticipation of tattoo. Walked in feeling very positive about my lines (, spent maybe an hour and a half on the table? Much less intense in the pain department than I was potentially braced for. Left feeling FLUSHED WITH AMAZING and went to knit nite at the vegetarian cafe I'd never been to in town. Had a great meal with friends that I haven't spent much time with in a while; trend of awesomeness continued.

Today was beautiful, sunny, no wind, mid forties (I walked down to the tattoo place and then knitting was around the corner; Codi drove me home though). So basically, all of the ingredients today were excellent. From an internal standpoint, though, I do feel like I had better access to the excellence than I have in recent months... it's not as if fun things haven't happened, or that I haven't enjoyed them, but my energy has been so low that it hasn't been without a certain sense of strain. I get tired, my mood flags, badly. As of right now, I've had a very full day, and I'm tired... but it's winding-down-toward-bed tired, end of the day tired. Not the kind of existential exhaustion that leaves me wondering if I'm going to have anything to give tomorrow and doubting it, but knowing I have to figure out a way to cough it up anyway. I haven't ended a day like that so far. I really think the vitamins are making a big difference. I've taken a multi before, especially when I was still on oral birth control, and never felt a palpable change of any kind.

Very much looking forward to more productive time off this weekend.

Day Two.

Mar. 26th, 2013 09:54 pm
crows: (flying raven)
Good energy most of the day (afternoon was very long, quite busy, but once I was out of work I was okay). Didn't start the day in pain, didn't end the day in as much pain as I've sometimes been in after a 9.5hr shift. It's only Tuesday, but I'm optimistic. Ate supper at a reasonable hour. Not miserable tonight, despite the fact that TBND just started up. Good. God.

I realize that moving out west is probably just going to trade these for some other noisy fucking neighbors but this band is so bad, and I've been putting up with them for two fucking years I mean honestly.

Tattoo tomorrow (nervous). Taxes Thursday.
crows: (black raven)
Day one of week. Foot and brain feel fairly okay on returning home from 9.5hrs. Started using the toe things last Thursday, started taking the B vitamins yesterday. The daily granoly bars started on Friday. Also had a big salad today at work (mostly spinach) but still famished because forgot to eat most of yesterday until Delia offered me supper.

Settling in with a big glass of juicefizz and the granoly and the toe things for some quiet time after work.

eta: I didn't hit the frustrated angry exhaustion until a little later (closer to actual sleep time) than usual, which was partially due to putting off eating too long.


crows: (Default)

August 2017

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