crows: (Default)
- - Were you not always,
still, distracted by expectation, as if all you experienced,
like a Beloved, came near to you? (Where could you contain her,
with all the vast strange thoughts in you
going in and out, and often staying the night.)

But if you are yearning, then sing the lovers: for long
their notorious feelings have not been immortal enough.

(--Rilke)

I have been dreaming things that I don't remember. I booked my ticket to Los Angeles; I'll be departing on Monday. Packing is going to be frenetic. I want to be there as short a quantity of time as possible. As much as I have tried to sever myself off from those things, permanently, wholly, I feel as though the possibility of returning to my old neighborhood is stirring up things I don't want to see or remember. He is not welcome here, in my thoughts. I will be glad to turn my back on all of that for the last time.
crows: (Default)
It's been a healthy two weeks since we exchanged any kind of communication whatsoever; really whatsoever. Even a hello by IM, let alone an email or god forbid a phonecall. I haven't heard his voice except for the occasional rollover to his voicemail when I have tried to call in substantially longer than that (three weeks at least? I hardly think it could be approaching a month but we might be getting there). I'm still waiting for some resolution of the scooter situation, since he is currently in possession of the single most monetarily valuable thing I own. I need to sell it in order to close (slam) the book on the LA chapter of my life. More than two weeks ago, I touched base with a repair shop that could look at it since he finally got around to assessing that the means within his reach of getting the thing started didn't actually work (that process took... at least two months).

Over the course of this period he did message my IM account once. I was working (from home) desperately to finish something that was due, and made the executive decision not to respond at the time; I think the only reason I was even signed in was to pass along a message to a friend from someone who didn't have their number, or something. I've told him too many times in the past that I wanted to talk to him to have to bend over backwards on the (extremely rare) occasions that he does decide to make some kind of contact so that he doesn't leap, with apparently gleeful haste, to the conclusion that I don't want to talk to him. I guess if he's been working so hard to have that, I should let him have it.

So I called this afternoon because I need to figure out WTF is going on with my vehicle down there. Yes, these are work hours for him but it's pretty moot. No matter what time of the day, night, or week I try to get ahold of him, I can solidly bank on not being able to. Due to computer problems at work, he's never on IM from there these days (though it seems to be that he can get on if he tries), he's never on after work at home, and abandons phone, email, and IM for the weekends (supposedly). That did roust some kind of a response from him, as he did email me briefly about having been in lunch and going to be in meetings the rest of the day.

It's all the same lines. Every time we don't talk for a substantial period, it's as a result of the last couple of weeks being 'particularly bad' for him, but he's doing 'much better now'. He goes through the litany, despite 'understanding' that I'm 'tired of excuses'. He doesn't 'mean to be so removed'.

Nothing ever changes. No matter how much I do or do not talk to him, no matter how much I do or do not pretend that nothing is wrong when I do, no matter how much trust I've tried to exert that he really is thinking of me, and the importance he professes to place on this issue, on me, on my wellbeing and friendship, is genuine in order to let things be. Nothing changes, and it's been months, and months. We're approaching a year of this. A veneer of things being 'ok' over everything that isn't, and me feeling increasingly like resolution doesn't matter at all to the other half of this. Resolution to -any- end.

I get these emails saying 'I have missed talking to you' and all this, when he won't reply to anything meaningful I send him in such a fashion that can maintain any dialog at all about the heavier situation between the two of us, and all I'm left with anymore is a stone in my stomach and the desire to just get this over with. I never wanted to feel this way about him but I'm not sure I can outrun it any longer; every little burst of energy I've had to stay ahead of it, or in more recent months pull myself out of it, has been met with further disinterest and disregard by the other party.

There once was a time I was sure of the bond, when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough. We are the same but our lives move along... and the third one between replaces what once was a love.

Travel.

Feb. 21st, 2009 08:12 am
crows: (flying raven)
Wow, it's more than a hundred dollars cheaper to fly into Burbank than it is to fly into LAX.

Just trying to think about going down for a few days and pack my shit up to get it out of storage exhausts me.

If someone had been more honest and upfront, and given so much as two shits about how his communication affected me during this period of my life, this all would have been a lot easier. As it is, his concern seems to continue to be exclusively for himself without any regard as to how it might influence anything around him. That would be fine if I'd left saying, fuck you, I don't care what you're doing or what you think. But I didn't. I left saying, I love you, and with assurances that there was a high likelihood that once we got a couple of months of space we'd be talking about me coming back down.

Ha. Ha. I don't even think, at this point, that I'm going to tell him when I come down to retrieve my things. I can't imagine trying to sit across a coffee table from him and pretend that we're still good friends.
crows: (Default)
Watching Criminal Minds with Dad:

"There's another robbery in progress. At a bank on the corner of Washington and Sepulveda."

I look up sharply; announce "Washington and Sepulveda?! There is no bank on Washington and Sepulveda!!"

Heh. I was hoping they were filming on location but they weren't :(
crows: (Default)
Oh. My. God.

Latest Addition to the List O' People whose babies I would have unconditionally and without a second thought:

Roy Khan.

He is such a badass.

And he's Norwegian and thusly possessed of an absolutely devastating accent.

(ask me nicely and I'll tell you about the other devastating accent I experienced tonight on the utterly beautiful Spanish boy who wanted to come home with me ;) )

MY WEEKEND HAS IMPROVED.

RE:

Oct. 24th, 2008 01:41 pm
crows: (Default)
The Day. I shouldn't be spending it in the apartment alone but I don't have the energy to go out and do anything. I don't think I'm making anything worse; it's hot and I'd probably make myself sick if I just went to wander around aimlessly, since I haven't had more than 7 hours of sleep in the last two days. Could take myself to the cinema? Anything playing? I doubt it. Maybe I'll go down to BestBuy and see if they have anything with Alan in it on the cheap. Can't watch Die Hard too many times, can you? I mean really. Being in love with a British man whom I've never met and could be my father is so superior to having a boyfriend; I'm unequivocally sure of this fact because it can never allow this thing that I am in right now to occur again.

Secondly, [livejournal.com profile] thesescarsspeak and [livejournal.com profile] williamlee, you guys totally rock for checking in with me (without reading the former post). Also, [livejournal.com profile] comarre, [livejournal.com profile] fuzzbean, [livejournal.com profile] wild_eagle, thanks for responding. It really does make a difference; talk to you all sooner or later. Much love. Much love.
crows: (Default)
Last day of work yesterday.

Still so much to do, and still with such a heavy heart.

I washed the cat today. She's very angry at me just now.

Maintaining buoyancy is... challenging.

Packing clothes today... into suitcases. Into suitcases. I'm really going... just next week. It really is all over. Or something...

I barely slept last night, and when I did I had terrible dreams.
crows: (Default)
Getting closer. Still debating whether or not to bring the cat. On the one hand, she's happy where she is, she stresses my parents' cats out a little, and it's gonna cost me at least $200 bucks to make that all happen. On the other hand, it's my CAT. I loves her and will be lonely without her for 6 months. And. She'll be happy wherever she is. Damn entitled cat knows how to take her happiness from whatever she can get it out of better than any other creature on the planet. Hmm. Hmm.
crows: (Default)
9 days. My flight is early evening, next wednesday.

One way, home to the frozen north. Because I'm clever, I decided to do this first thing in the morning on the first day in weeks I've actually tried to look nice and put on some makeup. I'm back to feeling like a total wreck, tear-smeared eyeliner and all, and it's not even 11.
crows: (Default)
On the way in to Santa Monica today, the there was a girl sitting at one of the bus stops we passed who was absolutely fully done up in that 'Lolita' style of dress and general persona. While people effect various different stylistic choices in their daily wear, I rarely see very many folks just out and about (kids or otherwise) who are all out in their element (with the exception of all the emo kids, who I find to be unattractive invariably). But never this sort of a look, particularly not on a girl who wasn't Asian.

She looked like one of the dolls that I quietly oggle in [livejournal.com profile] mythosidhe's journal with some frequency. I wanted to take her home and put her on a shelf, she was so cute.

Rrg.

Mar. 4th, 2008 07:57 am
crows: (red)
I hate applying for jobs.
crows: (red)
Ok! Back from Alaska, subsequently departed for New Mexico, and have returned.

Uh.... yea.

Also: ASOIAWEFNAEGI#r%oSOIWEHWFDNJOPWIOIWE)*R%UOWSDNVKDILOWEIU)#($NTLKSD

Now that that's over with.

I had a fabulous time out there; it was good for some real decompression, of the sort that a holiday with family doesn't allow. Re-centered my creative perspective, was productive in terms of writing (glee!) and remembered how much I actually do want formal education. More of it. A lot more.

I've realize, in lieu of a resolution for the new year, what the theory of life, that maxim that I will act under while at the same time willing it should become universal law (that's right, it's my fucking categorical imperative. SUCK MY COCK, KANT)

Sorry.

Anyway, back to the point, which is:

'Just keep on trying till you run out of cake'.

-end of transmission-
crows: (red)
Today was Jeremy's company's company/Christmas party. It may be the fanciest thing I've ever done.

Additionally, I like the people he works with, and their girlfriends/wives. It felt very good all around.

I would write more, and I would like to think that I will write more in the future, but I'm very tired and I don't think I'll come back to this thought process later on.

With love, good night.
crows: (Default)
I become daily more assured that I hate Los Angeles. Something about the temperament of this place disgrees with me on a level that is difficult to describe. All I know is that it isn't something that's inherent in big cities... I can exist in other big cities, that I know of, and not have this... this reaction of skin-crawly loathing that I feel more and more in my daily life here. I didn't come down expecting to love it; god knows I've never been enchanted by this city. But...

It's really neither here nor there. Maybe all I need is a break.

<3

Nov. 30th, 2007 08:17 am
crows: (red)
Overcast and rainy skies, plus a budding cold (spikes of stress, moreso than prolonged anxiety, shatter my immune system), means I get to wear my cabely turtleneck sweater and my long wool coat, even in LA. They're both greeeeen.
crows: (Default)
Work: I remain employed. Angela said it was just fine if I didn't want to be a manager next year and she'd still like to keep me on as a salesperson so... I don't have to feel like I'm tethered after next January, etc.

Etc: Culver City Whole foods, where a man with bold black tattoos on his muscely arms, about my boyfriend's age, gave us advice on fine salame and cheese pairings. Talked about HIS girlfriend, whose family is from Italy, and they visit them.

Holiday: Have a happy one, all of you!
crows: (Default)
Southern California is burning, burning, burning. It's not new but it is worse this time... Here in West LA where I live and am not presently threatened direcrtly by the blaze, we're baking under a sunset cloak of smoke. There is ash in the air and a smell that fluctuates between nag champa incense and the refineries of Denver and Cedar Rapids. Gazing at the moon out my bedroom window, which faces the rising of each sphere, I was nearly in disbelief. It was as orange as the chemical streetlights that illuminate our highways... if this is a harvest moon, what is being culled and who is the reaper?

Best wishes and prayers to all of you that have to face that demon toe to toe.

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