Feb. 24th, 2013 09:07 am
crows: (black raven)
So, this weekend has been tough. I'm still trying to balance the exhaustion of working 6 8-10 hour days per week. The bookshop, my last two days, is a good wind-down and doesn't require me to be on my feet quite as much but it still doesn't leave much time for me to take care of myself. Friday night descended into awful, into some hard but necessary conversations with one of the people I'm in love with, a lot of anxiety. Topped off by the neighbor downstairs cranking the music up at 2AM, right as I was getting myself close to wound down enough to get some sleep. Less than four hours later, I woke up, still in the thick of the migraine I'd cried myself into the night before.

I got up, cleaned up, got ready for work, messaged my boss that I wasn't feeling well and was going to be a little bit late but was determined to go in anyway. Trying to make something to eat to put down with the 800mg of ibuprofen I'd just swallowed was interrupted by several intervals of just having to stand still and cringe. Walking out of the house into the bright sunlight off the fresh snow almost made me throw up. I went back inside, called in to work, pounded on the neighbor's door so hard I hurt my hand, yelled at her about the music (which was still going on, loud enough to vibrate my floor upstairs), got cussed at by her boyfriend inside, went upstairs and spent 2 hours in the fetal position under my covers, about half of which sobbing hysterically cause I hurt so much.

When I came out of that, I emailed my-aunt-the-landlady about the downstairs neighbor issue (I've hinted lately that I haven't been talking to my family, so I've been resistant to call them about house-related issues - it's a major point of anxiety for me). She replied quickly and quite kindly, and is going to look into doing something about my neighbor to make sure this stops. I don't know how promptly that will occur but at least someone else knows about it other than Delia and I. I then commenced to completely lose yesterday, cause moving around a lot made me too nauseous to do much even inside the house and my brain was too gelatinous to address any of my intellectual needs of the moment.

ALSO Friday night, coming at the worst possible time, the decline on two stories that were approaching the end of the reading period for where I'd submitted them. I had rather foolishly allowed myself to be a bit hopeful about them since I felt like they'd been kept for a little bit, and they turned up right in the middle of that tense time I mentioned earlier talking with my SO, where I'd already felt a little broken open and pretty vulnerable and just... not well.

Updating my submission spreadsheet made me realize I received those rejections on the 3 year anniversary of starting to submit work at all. Nothing's been printed. Which basically started off the resounding chorus of you're not good enough and you're not working hard enough in my head, which I've been trying to quiet down since then. Today is a little better. I was still woken up at 4AM by music downstairs (called the police; this isn't the first time and I'm not the only person who's called).

What I did have my head on straight enough to do Friday night when I was still miserable and couldn't stop crying is send out everything again. Both the stories I got back plus a flash fiction piece that I've sent out before but hadn't had out recently, but still really like. I also spent some more time reading about other markets and picked out the next ones for the two longer pieces if they come back to me again. I don't have enough time in my current existence to let things grid me to a complete halt if I can avoid it. So no matter how worthless I've felt about my work the last couple of days, uh... other people have it to read and I think that's what matters at the moment.

Rewind a bit. Thursday I took my kitchen back from the entropy gods. The inertia of stress from the last several months, which I've touched on here, and my own struggle against the weight of life inside my brain has meant it had fallen into a place where I basically couldn't use it. It's not totally put back together, but I can at least cook at home again, and have a responsible amount of groceries with which to do so. I even bought coffee and treated myself to a brand new pour-over cone (it's red!). I haven't owned one of those for a while, and while I like my press, I'm more likely to use the pour-over/keep it clean.

Today, I think I'm excusing myself from more cleaning in order to focus on creative work. I'd like to have some more short pieces that are ready to go out. I haven't been focusing at all on short work lately, most of my energy has gone to the One for Silence and Dark Energy, which is fine, because I'm liking the work I've done on those, slow though it has been. But still. Theoretically, publication credits will eventually serve those projects, too. So today I'm going to go through the fragments and the old pieces and see what is waiting to be finished/rewritten/revised.

I also want to do some work on the comic, because that is a very good project (co- authoring and illustrating with [personal profile] thiefofvoices) that is moving forward.

I also need to sing. I have the music for the piece I'll be singing solo at my choir's fundraiser in a week (from yesterday >.>) but I haven't sat down with it yet. So, uh, better get on that, so tonight I can arrange some practice time with the gentleman who will be accompanying me.

So that's that! Fuck you depression and harpy-chorus of misery. I've got shit to do.
crows: (face)
The speculation for the fiction of my life is beginning to include the question,

what if I lived in the San Francisco area?


Aug. 7th, 2009 05:01 pm
crows: (morrigan)
Hello! Yes? What? Oh, yes, hi.

We made it back alive post blowing a second tire just outside of Grand Island, NE. Things I never knew: tires have a shelf life. Even if they've hardly been driven on, 10 year old tires are no good anymore. At least they made it that far (from Alaska). RV has all new tires now. Things you look back on and laugh but were very annoying and sweaty at the time...

This week, mother and I have been busily focused on washing and repairing my windows (this is a much more arduous task than it sounds like; particularly the washing part. Trust me. They were -bad-), tripping over kittens, unpacking (I've gotten more of this done than I expected - I can hardly believe how much I haven't quite lived in the last several places I've occupied), and the really big task over the last two days: I just purchased a car. Yeah, yeah, whatever, but this is a first for me. It's a new car; 2010 Mazda 3 5 speed sedan in black mica. It's very nice. I like it -a lot-. The loan situation with the bank is also extremely auspicious; with the support of the extremely helpful woman at Hills, everything is in my name, -I hold the title to my car-, and the interest rate is wicked. Monthly payment is a smidge higher than ideal but, shit, I'm not complaining even a little.

Also found a totally kick ass antique rocking chair for $50 at a thrift store. But I've got shit to do and a kitten rolling around on me, so I'm gonna sign off and leave you fine people to it.
crows: (Default)
- - Were you not always,
still, distracted by expectation, as if all you experienced,
like a Beloved, came near to you? (Where could you contain her,
with all the vast strange thoughts in you
going in and out, and often staying the night.)

But if you are yearning, then sing the lovers: for long
their notorious feelings have not been immortal enough.


I have been dreaming things that I don't remember. I booked my ticket to Los Angeles; I'll be departing on Monday. Packing is going to be frenetic. I want to be there as short a quantity of time as possible. As much as I have tried to sever myself off from those things, permanently, wholly, I feel as though the possibility of returning to my old neighborhood is stirring up things I don't want to see or remember. He is not welcome here, in my thoughts. I will be glad to turn my back on all of that for the last time.


Jul. 14th, 2009 05:39 pm
crows: (Default)
To a handful of people who have added me recently and I've added back (those I know and those I don't), hello and hello. If we're not acquainted, feel free to leave me a message introducing yourself if you feel :D (for those I am acquainted with, um... you can too if you feel left out!).

Just got back from a very short-notice and not particularly planned two-day foray into Chicago. Delightful time with a few friends including an extremely relaxing evening with tea, talk, and knitting. I need more things like this! The whole crowd of people I've encountered in that city seems very warm. I enjoy that doubly, being away from my own nest of loved ones (you are all so, so missed).

There have been some small hangups getting settled. Nothing of its own merits worth mentioning, just the sort of things you expect. Everything takes a little longer and costs a little more than you expected, no matter how you plan. C'est la... this too shall pass (and it isn't too bad to begin with).

I adopted two kittens from a farm out of town. They are supremely adorable.

I'm stirring up an entire collection of short stories that primarily address events prior to the time that a piece I've worked through four drafts in the last year and a half and intend to submit for publication after a little more work this year (Unbroken Thread). One is complete (draft one) and I have a handful of beginnings and concepts. Secondly, the collection of fables is webbing together into an interesting pantheon that encompasses the unfinished story of Carusa and her daughter, which I've begun but isn't gelling, and The Sea Knife which is complete at draft one from a year-odd ago.

Oh, and there's Chant. All ninety four thousand words of it. Sitting. Staring. o.o If anyone is bored and likes picking through messy draft fiction, I always appreciate anyone willing to have a glance over things I'm working on. So let me know if anything looks remotely interesting.

I think that's about it. I'm exhausted but the rest of me feels extremely awake. Coming fully back into balance with the more metaphysical aspects of my life has been an interesting process; I have impulses to overextend and I think it's contributing to some of the instability I've been feeling.
crows: (Default)
To follow, a lengthy and poetically worded update about What's Really Going On in my life.
Read more... )

I love you. I love you.


Feb. 21st, 2009 08:12 am
crows: (flying raven)
Wow, it's more than a hundred dollars cheaper to fly into Burbank than it is to fly into LAX.

Just trying to think about going down for a few days and pack my shit up to get it out of storage exhausts me.

If someone had been more honest and upfront, and given so much as two shits about how his communication affected me during this period of my life, this all would have been a lot easier. As it is, his concern seems to continue to be exclusively for himself without any regard as to how it might influence anything around him. That would be fine if I'd left saying, fuck you, I don't care what you're doing or what you think. But I didn't. I left saying, I love you, and with assurances that there was a high likelihood that once we got a couple of months of space we'd be talking about me coming back down.

Ha. Ha. I don't even think, at this point, that I'm going to tell him when I come down to retrieve my things. I can't imagine trying to sit across a coffee table from him and pretend that we're still good friends.
crows: (Default)
Last day of work yesterday.

Still so much to do, and still with such a heavy heart.

I washed the cat today. She's very angry at me just now.

Maintaining buoyancy is... challenging.

Packing clothes today... into suitcases. Into suitcases. I'm really going... just next week. It really is all over. Or something...

I barely slept last night, and when I did I had terrible dreams.
crows: (Default)
Getting closer. Still debating whether or not to bring the cat. On the one hand, she's happy where she is, she stresses my parents' cats out a little, and it's gonna cost me at least $200 bucks to make that all happen. On the other hand, it's my CAT. I loves her and will be lonely without her for 6 months. And. She'll be happy wherever she is. Damn entitled cat knows how to take her happiness from whatever she can get it out of better than any other creature on the planet. Hmm. Hmm.
crows: (Default)
9 days. My flight is early evening, next wednesday.

One way, home to the frozen north. Because I'm clever, I decided to do this first thing in the morning on the first day in weeks I've actually tried to look nice and put on some makeup. I'm back to feeling like a total wreck, tear-smeared eyeliner and all, and it's not even 11.

Heave ho.

Aug. 14th, 2008 11:04 am
crows: (Default)
Good morning, total despair.  How nice to see you.

T minus two weeks and counting... I think.  I haven't booked my flight home just yet.  Maybe next week after I can get some stuff transferred out of the house this weekend and see where I'm at with the packing?

I had to report for jury duty on Tuesday but didn't get called in for selection, so that's over.

I got a storage space yesterday at the place next to the house.  They'll let me borrow a dolly so I can walk things over in batches.  (Wow, this sounds like fun).

Last night, I scheduled the last lesson I'm going to have with Ariella for next Wendesday; there's also a singing circle the following evening.  I cried all the way home.

I think I have almost all of my books packed.  A bulk of my sewing things.  I'm sifting through clothing; getting rid of things I never touch, packing things I won't want in Alaska for the next few months, and putting together a contingent of things I will want to wear.  So far, I'm not feeling an overwhelming desire to take everything up north with me... but I'm storing more than I intended.  I'm not good at getting rid of things.  Maybe after I see how my life is while its in storage (what I miss, etc) it'll be easier?  Not likely.

I'm concerned about my instruments.  It's indoors (obviously), and way inside a building, and in LA, but it isn't actually climate controlled.  Anyone have any thoughts?  The most sensitive in my host are the little harp, the good djembe, a bodhran and a 12 string guitar.  I'm taking the 6 string home with me for a concerted effort to learn to play and work on writing some folk music; the other djembe is largely decorative, and the mandolin was inexpensive enough that if anything did happen to it I could replace it easily.  I honestly don't think that this space is going to be any more or less hot or cold than my apartment at the moment, as our AC is out.   Any advice would be appreciated.

I think Jer is going to look after the scooter, as he thinks he might ride it while I'm away.  Jury is still out on the cat; he'll babysit her but I feel bad.

I need to get him to order the part we think is busted in the desktop he might sell to me if we can get it working again.  I have projects going that I really want a computer that will run my graphics stuff; that'll be the box I ship, most likely.  The desktop and assorted peripherals.  Also, maybe the guitar.  I have to look into it.

What should I do while I'm home?  I'm going to work.  I wanted to take a semester's worth of classes but I'm going to be there too late to make that happen.  My friend's wedding.  I want to work on the guitar, work on the big fiction project (writing, drawing, digital art).  I want to keep up with my sight reading.  Anything else I should take on/learn?  It'll be a long Alaskan winter and I don't know when I'll be getting back to the rest of my life.


crows: (Default)

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