crows: (red)
Part of this is hoodoo and part of this is whinging.

This week, I'm tired of being a college student. Yes, I know I'm only in my fourth semester of this shit if you don't count my online courses last summer. But there's so much I want to do that doesn't particularly involve being in school. There stands to be a lot of travel this summer; in every instance something that will be a wonderful experience with people who mean a lot to me. Things I know I will regret not doing, if the opportunity arises and I do not take it. Things I need to make work. And it just... it just underscores how, if I weren't in school, I could be working full time, or looking for a job that paid better than I make (not that I don't love my job, I do), and still have loads more time than I do right now. Time where I wouldn't so keenly feel the things I'm putting off.

Part of this attitude is the weight of the sleep debt I've incurred over the last couple of weeks (a balance which I continue, largely, to default on, but is present nonetheless). I don't feel particularly excellent in my skin today; I need to reset some things. Hydrate. Detox. Eat a little bit cleaner, especially as we cruise into spring (mmm, renewal).

Really, I shouldn't be complaining. That thing which is at the root of my angst is actually a profound excess of creative energy, ideas, and cool fucking shit that's not even all that out of reach. Much of this I've already plunged into, much of this is stuff I'm doing and I would just like to be doing more of. There's so much writing. There's drawing happening again. And... music. I'm feeling easier in my voice the last few months than I have for a long time, and I'm beginning to feel comfortable handling my instruments again. It's been so many god damn years that I barely recognize what it feels like, but the reminder of why I surround myself with this kind of thing and why it's important to me is pretty refreshing. It's scary though, too. I've taken on a couple of things that are going to be a significant challenge to my sensibilities in the next couple of weeks, re: performing, and performing in ways that I'm not 100% comfortable with. Being on stage with the choir, or even as part of our 8 or 9 person ensemble doesn't really rattle my nerves (an improvement, over previous intervals of my life), but being up there by myself (which I will be), and being up there with an instrument (which I will be), these things... are going to give me an ulcer.

Sooo... yeah. Also, also! People in my life. Yes, you there, you who may read this and many of you who won't ever. Stop being so fucking fabulous, brilliant, clever, sexy, and interesting. Seriously, knock that shit off. My heart can't take it. Let me get bored enough to do my homework and get some fucking sleep at night.

(I kid.)

And then, there's the work. It is, as it has always been, small things fit in the in between, a color to my relationship with the night, very tiny rituals that aren't conducted in a language symbolically or otherwise that I expect anyone else to understand (though as it happens people do, from time to time). These things, I am remembering too, and open to more of. It's a reminder of how much of life is still this perpetual journey out of the fog, that I have to keep my eyes always forward because I could at a moment's notice turn around and become lost again. Which is not to say that I feel so close to peril, as I certainly have in former years. I'm steady on my feet these days. It's nice. I'm trying not to take that for granted because I daresay a majority of my life to this point has not been able to claim that among its virtues.

So, I continue to come out of things that have hampered me, or things that I have simply outgrown, perpetual nautilus building another temple, and another. Currently, there's a great deal of reconnecting and remembering going on, and I am wondering again, as I have occasionally in the last six months, whether there's a time approaching where I will be practicing with other people again. I wasn't sure I was ever going to pull away from feeling as private as I did about all of that business after I moved to Los Angeles. I really did think the door had closed forever, but now there are more people in my life than there have been for a long time that know some of those deeply secret things, and it wasn't a labor to confess them. In a lot of ways I'm back in a country of my own people, at long last.
crows: (Default)
- - Were you not always,
still, distracted by expectation, as if all you experienced,
like a Beloved, came near to you? (Where could you contain her,
with all the vast strange thoughts in you
going in and out, and often staying the night.)

But if you are yearning, then sing the lovers: for long
their notorious feelings have not been immortal enough.


I have been dreaming things that I don't remember. I booked my ticket to Los Angeles; I'll be departing on Monday. Packing is going to be frenetic. I want to be there as short a quantity of time as possible. As much as I have tried to sever myself off from those things, permanently, wholly, I feel as though the possibility of returning to my old neighborhood is stirring up things I don't want to see or remember. He is not welcome here, in my thoughts. I will be glad to turn my back on all of that for the last time.

And, and...

Apr. 1st, 2009 06:45 am
crows: (caw)
Managed to respond to his email. Successfully stayed out of the bitchy 'gee, have you realized that it is possible we're not talking because you never actually talk to me and very rarely allow me to get through to you when I try? Is that possible?' territory. It was terse. I'm sure he'll think it's unfriendly and become even more cemented in his view that I don't want to speak to him, but, so be it. Like I said in the prior message, if he's worked so hard to believe that I might as well let him have it.

As for my sewing... in [ profile] alaskanmermaid's lovely condo, which I'm housesitting right now, there's a sewing room allowing me the space and privacy to have a project strung out start to finish (as opposed to my mother's dining table) so I really feel like I ought to take advantage of that. I have the uncut material and cut pattern for a beautiful long coat there, but Vogue patterns terrify me, and even for a pattern that wasn't rated at any more difficult than 'average' (might have been easy?) it's got a zillion pieces. In terms of 'something sexy', I want a dress with a low back, probably strapless. Fitted bodice and full skirt, maybe knee length or a little bit past, lace-up back with grommets and organza ribbon. I haven't decided on a color yet... I visualize it in black mostly because black is easy but I'm open to other things and haven't looked at material yet.

Trouble is, I trolled through the pattern sites (even Vogue!) and didn't see anything that would exactly suit. I'm not sure how comfortable I am making alterations to a pattern to lower the back, but I think that's what I'm going to have to do. We have a very capable seamstress in our midst, maybe I'll ask her advice.
crows: (Default)
It's been a healthy two weeks since we exchanged any kind of communication whatsoever; really whatsoever. Even a hello by IM, let alone an email or god forbid a phonecall. I haven't heard his voice except for the occasional rollover to his voicemail when I have tried to call in substantially longer than that (three weeks at least? I hardly think it could be approaching a month but we might be getting there). I'm still waiting for some resolution of the scooter situation, since he is currently in possession of the single most monetarily valuable thing I own. I need to sell it in order to close (slam) the book on the LA chapter of my life. More than two weeks ago, I touched base with a repair shop that could look at it since he finally got around to assessing that the means within his reach of getting the thing started didn't actually work (that process took... at least two months).

Over the course of this period he did message my IM account once. I was working (from home) desperately to finish something that was due, and made the executive decision not to respond at the time; I think the only reason I was even signed in was to pass along a message to a friend from someone who didn't have their number, or something. I've told him too many times in the past that I wanted to talk to him to have to bend over backwards on the (extremely rare) occasions that he does decide to make some kind of contact so that he doesn't leap, with apparently gleeful haste, to the conclusion that I don't want to talk to him. I guess if he's been working so hard to have that, I should let him have it.

So I called this afternoon because I need to figure out WTF is going on with my vehicle down there. Yes, these are work hours for him but it's pretty moot. No matter what time of the day, night, or week I try to get ahold of him, I can solidly bank on not being able to. Due to computer problems at work, he's never on IM from there these days (though it seems to be that he can get on if he tries), he's never on after work at home, and abandons phone, email, and IM for the weekends (supposedly). That did roust some kind of a response from him, as he did email me briefly about having been in lunch and going to be in meetings the rest of the day.

It's all the same lines. Every time we don't talk for a substantial period, it's as a result of the last couple of weeks being 'particularly bad' for him, but he's doing 'much better now'. He goes through the litany, despite 'understanding' that I'm 'tired of excuses'. He doesn't 'mean to be so removed'.

Nothing ever changes. No matter how much I do or do not talk to him, no matter how much I do or do not pretend that nothing is wrong when I do, no matter how much trust I've tried to exert that he really is thinking of me, and the importance he professes to place on this issue, on me, on my wellbeing and friendship, is genuine in order to let things be. Nothing changes, and it's been months, and months. We're approaching a year of this. A veneer of things being 'ok' over everything that isn't, and me feeling increasingly like resolution doesn't matter at all to the other half of this. Resolution to -any- end.

I get these emails saying 'I have missed talking to you' and all this, when he won't reply to anything meaningful I send him in such a fashion that can maintain any dialog at all about the heavier situation between the two of us, and all I'm left with anymore is a stone in my stomach and the desire to just get this over with. I never wanted to feel this way about him but I'm not sure I can outrun it any longer; every little burst of energy I've had to stay ahead of it, or in more recent months pull myself out of it, has been met with further disinterest and disregard by the other party.

There once was a time I was sure of the bond, when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough. We are the same but our lives move along... and the third one between replaces what once was a love.


Mar. 22nd, 2009 10:00 pm
crows: (Default)
Sundays are blue days. Today, though, I had a lot of hands along the way. Julie was at work with my month-old nephew (ongoing, for Sundays). He's starting to get smiley (I even caught it in a photo). Slept most of the day and was adorable the rest of the time. Kirsten stopped in to visit and brought me coffee, she and Jules and I chatted for a long time as the store was regrettably slow (busy as hell on Saturday though). Came home to the power being out which effectively derailed the cleaning I wanted to do (not urgent). Called to see if Corey wanted to go get some coffee, and he invited me over for supper... fabulous home-made Mediterranean which we stuffed ourselves with while watching I Am Legend, which I hadn't seen. Good food and good company can ease a lot of pains, let me tell you (speaking of which, breakfast with [ profile] vayleen come morning!!). Anyway, came home and gathered up the trash to take out tomorrow, soaked a little (non-meditatively), and feel remarkably, blessedly sleepy.

Goodnight, internots.
crows: (Default)
So many old things to be cleared away.


I am vacating this, like I am vacating all of the present houses of my life.

Sometimes, you just need a fresh start.

I should have all my friends transferred over onto that journal which, like this one became, will be largely, if not entirely, locked. IF I've missed anybody, which I may well have, I appologize in advance... leave me a comment here and I'll add you.

Till then, take care.

Don't mind the mess, over that way. I'm currently out the computer that I would be doing anything remotely graphical on so it's a little spartan.


crows: (Default)

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