Sunday.

Apr. 19th, 2009 11:38 pm
crows: (red)
I abolish this day. Sundays are bad... almost always. I don't know why. Today started out looking promising; I made myself breakfast to eat on the way to work and got out of the house nice and early, feeling awake. Before I'd even acquired my morning coffee, things had turned to total shit and left me sobbing in the back room of work. It's frustrating and embarrassing, bawling my eyes out in front of other people, even if it is only semi-public. Even if they do care about me; my co-workers are not my intimate friends and confidants (even if some of them are during the times when they're not my co-workers). I told myself I just had to hold on until Julie came in with the baby, and then I'd feel better. Which, to be fair, I did.

Ridiculous headache the day long though. Went to go see [livejournal.com profile] vayleen this evening, which is always uplifting, but nonetheless, the day has just felt... wrong. I haven't gotten enough done, I have a lot hanging over my head in the next several days. I'll be out of town to the midwest for more than a week starting bright and early Friday morning. I've been dreaming of plane crashes. I'm scared to spend time with my family... my grandparents are not well and the rest of my relations are somewhat dramatic and I don't have the emotional fortitude for it. Days like today, I feel like so much as a few hours in the thick of it might break me in half. I'm so god damn drained. And I still need to start making -concrete- plans for collecting my things in Los Angeles. I wanted this year - this whole year - to be my fresh start, and it feels disgustingly out of reach, still. It's mid-April. I'm not making progress.

Alright, back to real life. I need to tidy my borrowed place as there will be people in it tomorrow while I'm away, and wake up early enough in the morning to clean the kitchen before I leave.

Shit.

Dec. 19th, 2008 12:13 am
crows: (alan)
My god, it has -not- been a good day. I'm posting with my Alan icon again because... obviously that will make me feel better.

Corey offered to assist with a dark ritual to remove my heart and sustain me by magic. Or possibly a hamster.

I need to find a way to establish some emotional boundaries between myself and a variety of people in my life. I don't want to just cut them out of it, and I'm not going to. But I need to put some walls up, and maybe like... a fucking moat. How do you do this? Without ruining everything? I don't really think, rationally, that these people WANT to be all THAT close to me at the moment... AS IT IS.

I think maybe tomorrow I need to look at writing down some specific affirmations/contingencies to help me not fall into doing the same old things. Things perhaps that I need to not think to myself, calls I need to not make, emails I need to not send, times when I need to not be... a present observer. Things I need to stop paying attention to. I feel like maybe they should be more positive though... so that I don't just keep telling myself I'm wrong all the time. I get enough of that externally...

I just really need to turn all of the energy in my life all the way around. And I don't know how to do that.

Meditation

Dec. 15th, 2008 09:34 pm
crows: (Default)
But suddenly I knew, that you'd have to go, your world was not mine, your eyes told me so.

I'm back to being in love with phantoms, with the haze of mythos behind my own eyes and nothing that I will, in this world, likely ever be able to grasp. I remember what this was like, when I was young, and loneliness wasn't so profound because the heart wanted different things and hadn't had anything to feel as though it had lost. But then I fell in love, for a while, with people that were here and real and... we did that. For a few years, more than a few really. I guess it has been a while.

But here I am. I'm back again; I wonder if Dragoneyes is laughing at me, somewhere out in that shadow I see through one eye while the hard world fills the other. I think I feel like, now, those two worlds are much more separate than I did when I was a child. Or that my ability to exist in both of them is growing slowly less... No, not so much that, as ever more realization that the desire to share my life with another person cannot coexist peacefully with that dual nature that I've grown up with. I can only share one half my life... and while that's sustainable for varying periods depending on the other person in question, I'm not really sure how convinced I am that it will ever be 'forever'. That wholeness can be achieved between two people in such a state. At the root of this is the fact that I'm not really sure how much I believe, anymore, that I'll meet someone who shares the other side of it in the kind of harmony I need.

It's alright, right now. A week ago it wasn't. Some time before that it was. Some time after this it won't be again, and then it will be. I'm not really quite aware of the transitions in my attitude enough to say whether or not the peaks are growing, or the valleys, but at least I'm not in fear of being permanently stuck in despair on the matter. I'm trying less to determine exactly what I believe; the world exists around me in too much unpredictability for me to say in good conscience that this will or that will not occur... it's more a matter of being prepared, being at peace, if all those wordless wishes don't ever come to pass. Tonight, it's alright. I'll stay here as long as I can.

Alright, enough of that. I have to go sew a dress.
crows: (Default)
Restless for writing. I've a small somewhat lighthearted story started off a prompt from Seventh Sanctum, but I'm not sure it's going to go anywhere. I've been contacted to participate in the production of a fantasy e-zine which is also looking at going into print, and while I've been buzzing around in my headspace looking for a story to actually write and submit (I'll be doing other things for them as well), I don't think I have any of the appropriate genre up there right now. I'm filled with things closer to home, images of the subtley - perhaps eerily - familiar. It'll congeal eventually.

Also, thinking about taking up a proper second job. I'm a little dubious... I have the toy magazine, if I have the fantasy magazine on top of that... I may be teaching kid-music classes for MJ, either on a regular or call-in as she needs me basis... I guess it's all part of the jumble of potentially remaining up in AK longer than planned initially. If I do end up staying up here into next year, perhaps after the holidays would be a more prudent opportunity to sell off the rest of my time. That would allow me to do NaNo, and have flexibility for the holiday craziness at the toy store. The contingency where I leave and DON'T end up starting completely over in a totally different place by myself feels like it is slowly but steadily waning in probability... perhaps that's an illusion. I keep trying to tell myself it's too early to say for sure. I'll be in LA next week and... I don't know. I keep hoping that, as soon as I reach that mile-marker that I can make out on the road ahead, I'll have a little better of an idea what's going on. So far, I've left them all empty handed. Anyway, in the case that my next step is to run off to college in City X where I will likely know nobody, staying a little more firmly rooted in the palm of home for a while longer sounds appealing. I'm dubious of the state of the country right now - with the political fervor reaching its present pitch and the economy being what it appears to be, it just seems like a bad time for a fresh start.
crows: (flying raven)
Today, the morning is cold and hazy. The hillside is green and yellow, the mountains rock-brown and red giving way to new snow mantles. I've been in a black mood the last few days; frustrated, crying spontaneously, abjectly sad. I'm giving over as valiant an effort as possible to deal with things before I have to. Not so much worldly things, they don't trouble me as much, but the emotional things I've been having difficulty digesting. There are no firm answers, yet, but I think I'm learning slowly where things lie, even if the other people involved are doing their best not to talk to me about it. If it is intended as mercy, I want to appreciate it, but I'm tired of being in limbo. I know it isn't that simple; but I wonder how much a part that is? The temptation to really just throw in the towel and cut my losses becomes very strong between two-hour stints of sleep when I'm laying awake (again). Double bed, cold room, silent city. So many disquieting notions keeping my company. I don't know what I'm going to do about school residency; day by day, it looks more and more unlikely that I'll be returning to California. There is a certain suspicion in me that even another city will be too close; there will be too many reminders. But a fresh start and a clean slate somewhere else doesn't break me out of my own mind, aren't just that simple, and take a long time. Maybe what I need is a lottery win and a lobotomy before I try the aforementioned.

Dust

Sep. 15th, 2008 09:32 am
crows: (Default)
Termination dust on the top of the highest mountain in the Chugach range, which looks like it is only a stone's throw from the picture windows that front my parents' house. Summer is over. The snow will climb slowly down the mountains, and given the amount of precipitation Alaska has endured all year so far, it will do so hastily as the temperature drops away. I feel like there's an engine spooling up inside of me, ready to propel me hard into combat. Winter has always been a bad time for me, whether or not I was here or there. It's not SAD - I'm unaffected by the change in light - it's something deeper and more elemental than that, a trough in the yo-yo of earthly energies that leaves me often gasping for breath. I suppose it is exactly what it is for most beasts of the earth. A time of hibernation and preparation; I'm just still learning how to balance the fact that my life doesn't stop for these months. There is so much to be done. I'm dallying while my computer makes it's way up here in the mail; but once it arrives, there's things I'm to teach myself, and the organized assessment of college options I must see to. Applications, essays, portfolios. Scrutiny, both at me and on my part. I doubt I will feel ready, there has not been a lot of that afforded me this year. The blows come fast and hard; most individual forces in my life are totally heedless of anything else that might be acting on me, or might not be backing me up. More so, I find, than usual. Later, I will be able to look at it like a good exercise of being fast on my feet, but at the moment...
crows: (Default)
I meant to give some kind of proper update. Why? I don't know. Few to none of you are particularly connected to what's going on with my offline life that it would make so much of an impact. However, I always have the best of intentions for these things. The memories, the record! Oh, how self-possessed we all are in this post-blogging world. Perhaps I'll just stick to cryptic Twitters.

A great many things are well with the world. Well, and as they should be, and as the people that are involved with them deserve them to be. As for my position as far as all of that is concerned? I remain slightly outside the lines. I like it well enough; it is not without it's drawbacks, but nothing substantial enough for me to try to climb back into the box. I toy with the idea of a more thorough sabbatical from present existence... really removing myself from it for a while. A substantial change of identity or perceived identity, along with all the things that come with that and are required to properly facilitate it. I daily count the chips from stack to stack, considering gains and losses. To live in a place where one is away from one's personal history, both externally and internally, opens a lot of doors. However, disappearing closes many, too. How could I excise myself from my own life without hurting the most essential people to it? Or, is letting go of those 'essential' people core to the process of disassociating oneself with one's past and the trajectory of the present? I could put myself on the other coast, know no one, bend my mind to some different fragment of my name (Gail, anyone?) and enjoy, for a while, the psychic anonymity of that. If nothing else, it would certainly cure me of any attempts to salvage the past. Of course, that is all dependent solely on whether or not I decide there's anything worth salvaging. There may be, in more than one avenue of recently derailed planning. There also may not. Perhaps I shouldn't yet be thinking this far ahead.

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