crows: (red)
I dislike this day of the week. I have for a lot of years. Anyway, that's not really the point of this post.

Today, I wrote a bunch then walked in the rain until my boots were heavy and it was starting to soak through my hoodie. I didn't really want to come in but my hip has been stiff the last couple of weeks and it would be nice to start my workweek tomorrow less locked up than I ended it on Friday. (Last week, while I haven't been having a lot of pain, Thu and Fri provided me with several strange, rotating pops of the joint that made it almost feel like it was going to give out. That's a new development. Thought about buying a chiro package off Groupon yesterday but even at an extreme discount I can't really afford it so... I'm not going to push my luck that way. Also, don't like breaking the ice with unknown medical professionals of any stripe, so... it's a really easy thing to excuse myself from. Whee!)

My head is still full of Dark Energy. I made some structural headway on it, some events fell into place that I'm hoping, as I follow them, will shed light on a major upset that's coming up in the early phase of the story which has baffled me for some time. I've been gnawing and gnawing on it, and while it hasn't coughed up its own secrets to me yet, it is at least yielding more of the surrounding circumstances.

I'm calling off sick from choir tonight, too. Which I really oughtn't do, but... I'm just not up for it right now, and I know the music, and... the drumming, well. Mostly that will be me working on my own anyway, so I just really have to do it. I'm hoping to get some more writing done tonight, and get a little of my French presentation out of the way, too. (One of these things is more likely to occur than the other). >.<

One more week of school, plus two days of finals the week after. I am honestly aching for summer, to buy myself a little more time and space for my brain. There is a lot of stuff I'd like to be doing, there are a lot of ways in which I feel a little creatively cramped right now, and I don't dig it very much.

Now that my stomach is settling, maybe I can actually finish this scene. That would be nice.
crows: (red)
In the space of my education, which is taking up some space in terms of time I have to actually devote to it and time it takes from my ability to make money to do shit with, I am not doing anything creative.

I have not been doing anything creative for a year and a half. More.

It's gen eds. I know. It's part of the process. There's nothing to be done for it. I'm closer to the end of all that than I am the beginning, and hoping that the latter two years of undergrad will be at least marginally better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not expecting to transfer into the university and spend the next two years frolicking through rainbowsparkle flocks of the butterflies of enlightenment where my peers and instructors alike line up to suck the wonderwang of my heretofore unmatched genius. But it would be nice to be writing, in at least one or two of my classes at any given time. And it would be nice if, occasionally, some of that writing was allowed to be something that, generally speaking, I wanted to write. Even within guidelines. That's fine. Maybe some fiction? Just a little? I'm not even asking to write science fiction. I just want to be given a little chunk of my school-allotted time to make shit up.

It's not like that's what I'd like to be doing with my education, and my life, in the long run, or anything.

And then.

Feb. 27th, 2012 08:27 pm
crows: (caw)
Today ended up being something of a mental health day. I worked, but I didn't go to class, and frankly didn't do much else that wasn't related to the kind of self-care that usually, to me, feels like trying to push all the sand of my consciousness back into a pile. I read a little tarot. I remembered how much better my life is when I'm keeping a god damn paper journal that nobody else is allowed to touch (oh, yeah! Number one tenant of life among the unseen! WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN YO!)

I'm stressing a little about Things that I should have used this time to do. And last night. And Saturday when I had a migraine. But really... I will be all right. I can fake through French tomorrow before class, and if I work on Nonfiction in my breaks between classes I'll be ready for Wednesday. For now, breathing, and words. Mostly I feel the way I do right at this moment because I haven't had enough sleep and a lot of things are terribly exciting right now.
crows: (red)
Part of this is hoodoo and part of this is whinging.

This week, I'm tired of being a college student. Yes, I know I'm only in my fourth semester of this shit if you don't count my online courses last summer. But there's so much I want to do that doesn't particularly involve being in school. There stands to be a lot of travel this summer; in every instance something that will be a wonderful experience with people who mean a lot to me. Things I know I will regret not doing, if the opportunity arises and I do not take it. Things I need to make work. And it just... it just underscores how, if I weren't in school, I could be working full time, or looking for a job that paid better than I make (not that I don't love my job, I do), and still have loads more time than I do right now. Time where I wouldn't so keenly feel the things I'm putting off.

Part of this attitude is the weight of the sleep debt I've incurred over the last couple of weeks (a balance which I continue, largely, to default on, but is present nonetheless). I don't feel particularly excellent in my skin today; I need to reset some things. Hydrate. Detox. Eat a little bit cleaner, especially as we cruise into spring (mmm, renewal).

Really, I shouldn't be complaining. That thing which is at the root of my angst is actually a profound excess of creative energy, ideas, and cool fucking shit that's not even all that out of reach. Much of this I've already plunged into, much of this is stuff I'm doing and I would just like to be doing more of. There's so much writing. There's drawing happening again. And... music. I'm feeling easier in my voice the last few months than I have for a long time, and I'm beginning to feel comfortable handling my instruments again. It's been so many god damn years that I barely recognize what it feels like, but the reminder of why I surround myself with this kind of thing and why it's important to me is pretty refreshing. It's scary though, too. I've taken on a couple of things that are going to be a significant challenge to my sensibilities in the next couple of weeks, re: performing, and performing in ways that I'm not 100% comfortable with. Being on stage with the choir, or even as part of our 8 or 9 person ensemble doesn't really rattle my nerves (an improvement, over previous intervals of my life), but being up there by myself (which I will be), and being up there with an instrument (which I will be), these things... are going to give me an ulcer.

Sooo... yeah. Also, also! People in my life. Yes, you there, you who may read this and many of you who won't ever. Stop being so fucking fabulous, brilliant, clever, sexy, and interesting. Seriously, knock that shit off. My heart can't take it. Let me get bored enough to do my homework and get some fucking sleep at night.

(I kid.)

And then, there's the work. It is, as it has always been, small things fit in the in between, a color to my relationship with the night, very tiny rituals that aren't conducted in a language symbolically or otherwise that I expect anyone else to understand (though as it happens people do, from time to time). These things, I am remembering too, and open to more of. It's a reminder of how much of life is still this perpetual journey out of the fog, that I have to keep my eyes always forward because I could at a moment's notice turn around and become lost again. Which is not to say that I feel so close to peril, as I certainly have in former years. I'm steady on my feet these days. It's nice. I'm trying not to take that for granted because I daresay a majority of my life to this point has not been able to claim that among its virtues.

So, I continue to come out of things that have hampered me, or things that I have simply outgrown, perpetual nautilus building another temple, and another. Currently, there's a great deal of reconnecting and remembering going on, and I am wondering again, as I have occasionally in the last six months, whether there's a time approaching where I will be practicing with other people again. I wasn't sure I was ever going to pull away from feeling as private as I did about all of that business after I moved to Los Angeles. I really did think the door had closed forever, but now there are more people in my life than there have been for a long time that know some of those deeply secret things, and it wasn't a labor to confess them. In a lot of ways I'm back in a country of my own people, at long last.
crows: (Default)
To follow, a lengthy and poetically worded update about What's Really Going On in my life.
Read more... )

I love you. I love you.

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