crows: (black raven)
Day one of week. Foot and brain feel fairly okay on returning home from 9.5hrs. Started using the toe things last Thursday, started taking the B vitamins yesterday. The daily granoly bars started on Friday. Also had a big salad today at work (mostly spinach) but still famished because forgot to eat most of yesterday until Delia offered me supper.

Settling in with a big glass of juicefizz and the granoly and the toe things for some quiet time after work.

eta: I didn't hit the frustrated angry exhaustion until a little later (closer to actual sleep time) than usual, which was partially due to putting off eating too long.


Oct. 30th, 2009 01:43 pm
crows: (flying raven)
I cannot reiterate how much more enjoyable my free time is when I have a job. I'm enjoying work; it's nice to get out, nice not to be alone with my thoughts all twenty four hours of the day, nice to have a strong and reasonable impetus to put aside all of those other things (however pressing they are to my personal psyche) to focus on something that is simple, totally without drama or complication. I know how to do my job; I know how to do my job well. It's very, very black and white, and there are answers readily at hand when I have questions. This is a good world to live in, forty or so hours out of the week.

I'm completely exhausted, this afternoon, having started walking to work at a little after 445 AM for my first opening shift. My feet ache. I'm very glad to be off of them. That I have this evening in, private, quiet is a good thing. Mental preparation for tomorrow, the NaNoWriMo kickoff at midnight (oh, also Halloween but I don't have any related plans). I'm going to retouch my henna, do my nails, spend some time taking care of my skin (which I haven't been, shamefully, and it's showing). All this amid the comfortable weight of quite a bit of writing, and writing-related work. I need to edit for BF, there are bits and pieces bubbling up to my brain for Athlacarta, and I can feel myself reserving flashes of insight into the new novel (for next month, for November: it's called Sounding). These are all good things.

So, that is all. I'm home in the quiet, anxiously awaiting my date with several very dangerous muses once I've concluded the other work that awaits me this evening (job number 2 requires some attention this afternoon).
crows: (Default)
Is anyone out there a WordPress wizard, or able to at least point me to a good and fairly concise resource for learning more about the system? My knowledge of handling all this website business is somewhat minimal, but I'm not starting cold.

Secondly, I'm back to the drawing board a little bit about the writing community, Halflit, that I've sort of started. It's not gathering particular momentum, my thinking is because social networking like MySpace and Facebook and whatever else serve general needs more powerfully than I can hope to (or would want to). I still, however, have some ideas that I'd like to explore for making Halflit a resource for people selling their creative work. At this point, it's probably going to be a much broader scope than writing - I think there are a lot of ways in which all of us crafters, artists, musicians, writers etc. are in the same boat. What would happen if we were all helping each other out? I am, among other things, very and generally interested in multi-media collaboration opportunities.

Ok, off I go. My poor brain needs some coffee and carbs to get me shaken into enough energy for my workday. It's been a long week and I'm looking forward to fewer days staying so late at the store.


Mar. 7th, 2009 09:20 am
crows: (Default)
Not much to say for myself; unkindly busy with work and the other work and the novel. The latter part is my favourite. I'm stubbornly making myself take at least a half hour here or there even when I have other things I really, really need to be getting done to go scribble on a few more pages. I still feel very good about it but it is extremely sparse. Realizing all of the things I've forgotten to address, all of those details that make the thing add up to the sum I'm shooting for, makes me laugh. I'm filling pages in the back of my red binder with notes; otherwise reading through and sketching changes and more notes in the margins, apportioning what's read so far into chapters as I go with divider tabs. Need to learn to use Liquid Storybinder.
crows: (Default)
Fix You, by Coldplay, is playing on the coffee shop radio. I got this song, from Miss Ta's livejournal a healthy number of years ago and it was a major piece of comfort music from the hardest-time-in-my-life-before-last, when I was deciding and effecting my move to Los Angeles. I was young and stupid and in love. I hurt a lot and I was hugely full of hope, and an equal portion of terror. I did that thing. The world got a little smaller, I've ended up a little more alone since the dissolution of that affair over the course of these last now-many months.

What I'm grappling with, well... one of the many things, right now, as I clutch to life and try to get myself back in a position of some control, is the feeling of that aloneness. The part of myself that really wants to have somebody. Somebody. And then the rest of myself that reminds me that, that's a stupid thing to want in your life, as a dominating thought. It's not consuming, it's certainly not the only thing I want and I'm not particularly desperate (though I fear getting that way), as evinced by the people I've turned down in the last few months since I've been 'single' and sufficiently detached from the life that was. But god damn, I'm lonely. I want... to feel like someone wants to afford me something personal, something private; something that not everyone else gets a piece of. I want that person to be happy and patient, to have an easy smile, to take the brokeny bits of me in stride and pet my hair when I fall into those cracks, tell me how silly I am, and love me anyway. I want to be with someone who'd be happy with what I have to bring to the table, even if it's not the most fabulous and well-adjusted array of traits and opportunities ever, right now.

So many of the people around me are so god damn unhappy right now... and yea, there are some pretty shitty things going on right now, in people's personal lives and in the world at large. I get that. But it makes me want to scream. Why are we all driving ourselves gleefully onward and onward in this self-reciprocating cycle of misery? SO much of these moods are based so solidly in choice, direct in the moment choice, that I just want to grab everyone's collective shoulders and give them a good shake. IS IT WORTH IT?! NO, IT ISN'T. Even my mother... Just let it be. This is your life. Yea, I realize it's not everything you ever dreamed of. Neither is mine. But this ... this isn't helping you, or me, or anyone else in the world. It's the most frustrating thing I can imagine. Everyone's entitled to a bad day; I have them too, god knows. But you've got to be able to shake yourself out of it and turn to, right? Else, what the fuck are any of us doing here? I guess what's started to get to me in the last few weeks is the absolute disinterest in doing that, that I see among a great number of people. They relish their unhappiness; they cultivate it. Particularly when this hits close to home, among people I love, it just kills me.

Alright, enough bitching. I have work that I ought to be doing.
crows: (Default)
Restless for writing. I've a small somewhat lighthearted story started off a prompt from Seventh Sanctum, but I'm not sure it's going to go anywhere. I've been contacted to participate in the production of a fantasy e-zine which is also looking at going into print, and while I've been buzzing around in my headspace looking for a story to actually write and submit (I'll be doing other things for them as well), I don't think I have any of the appropriate genre up there right now. I'm filled with things closer to home, images of the subtley - perhaps eerily - familiar. It'll congeal eventually.

Also, thinking about taking up a proper second job. I'm a little dubious... I have the toy magazine, if I have the fantasy magazine on top of that... I may be teaching kid-music classes for MJ, either on a regular or call-in as she needs me basis... I guess it's all part of the jumble of potentially remaining up in AK longer than planned initially. If I do end up staying up here into next year, perhaps after the holidays would be a more prudent opportunity to sell off the rest of my time. That would allow me to do NaNo, and have flexibility for the holiday craziness at the toy store. The contingency where I leave and DON'T end up starting completely over in a totally different place by myself feels like it is slowly but steadily waning in probability... perhaps that's an illusion. I keep trying to tell myself it's too early to say for sure. I'll be in LA next week and... I don't know. I keep hoping that, as soon as I reach that mile-marker that I can make out on the road ahead, I'll have a little better of an idea what's going on. So far, I've left them all empty handed. Anyway, in the case that my next step is to run off to college in City X where I will likely know nobody, staying a little more firmly rooted in the palm of home for a while longer sounds appealing. I'm dubious of the state of the country right now - with the political fervor reaching its present pitch and the economy being what it appears to be, it just seems like a bad time for a fresh start.
crows: (Default)
My boss?

Forgot to write me a paycheck.

Supposedly, checks were cut on the 12th to be paid out on the 15th. Nobody got paid till today. And... he just... didn't do mine.


Also, I fell on the pavement yesterday and skinned/bruised my knee really bad. Commenced to get almost no sleep, and my entire body hurts.

That's it, I'll quit my bitching. For now.

Heave ho.

Aug. 14th, 2008 11:04 am
crows: (Default)
Good morning, total despair.  How nice to see you.

T minus two weeks and counting... I think.  I haven't booked my flight home just yet.  Maybe next week after I can get some stuff transferred out of the house this weekend and see where I'm at with the packing?

I had to report for jury duty on Tuesday but didn't get called in for selection, so that's over.

I got a storage space yesterday at the place next to the house.  They'll let me borrow a dolly so I can walk things over in batches.  (Wow, this sounds like fun).

Last night, I scheduled the last lesson I'm going to have with Ariella for next Wendesday; there's also a singing circle the following evening.  I cried all the way home.

I think I have almost all of my books packed.  A bulk of my sewing things.  I'm sifting through clothing; getting rid of things I never touch, packing things I won't want in Alaska for the next few months, and putting together a contingent of things I will want to wear.  So far, I'm not feeling an overwhelming desire to take everything up north with me... but I'm storing more than I intended.  I'm not good at getting rid of things.  Maybe after I see how my life is while its in storage (what I miss, etc) it'll be easier?  Not likely.

I'm concerned about my instruments.  It's indoors (obviously), and way inside a building, and in LA, but it isn't actually climate controlled.  Anyone have any thoughts?  The most sensitive in my host are the little harp, the good djembe, a bodhran and a 12 string guitar.  I'm taking the 6 string home with me for a concerted effort to learn to play and work on writing some folk music; the other djembe is largely decorative, and the mandolin was inexpensive enough that if anything did happen to it I could replace it easily.  I honestly don't think that this space is going to be any more or less hot or cold than my apartment at the moment, as our AC is out.   Any advice would be appreciated.

I think Jer is going to look after the scooter, as he thinks he might ride it while I'm away.  Jury is still out on the cat; he'll babysit her but I feel bad.

I need to get him to order the part we think is busted in the desktop he might sell to me if we can get it working again.  I have projects going that I really want a computer that will run my graphics stuff; that'll be the box I ship, most likely.  The desktop and assorted peripherals.  Also, maybe the guitar.  I have to look into it.

What should I do while I'm home?  I'm going to work.  I wanted to take a semester's worth of classes but I'm going to be there too late to make that happen.  My friend's wedding.  I want to work on the guitar, work on the big fiction project (writing, drawing, digital art).  I want to keep up with my sight reading.  Anything else I should take on/learn?  It'll be a long Alaskan winter and I don't know when I'll be getting back to the rest of my life.

Long week.

Apr. 25th, 2008 09:51 pm
crows: (black raven)
There were lows, there have also been highs. I'm writing a little; mostly poetry, mostly that I'm mostly malcontent with. I still can't really remember my dreams well... it feels artificial, as though I'm shut off from them. It's a hollow sensation in the process of my thoughts, where I can feel myself forgetting the imagery soon after waking. I don't like it.

I've started a community for writers, away from LiveJournal. It's partially-live, but I need to put up some more information on the front end of the site before I go promoting it very actively. Membership for people whose work I don't know well will, at least eventually if not immediately, be on the basis of submissions that the existing membership will look at. If you're interested in potentially participating, get in touch with me. It will be open to all varieties of original work, with a focus on community, development, critique, and opportunities for publication. I'm extremely proud of the way it is coming out so far.

Also, I've never met a wine that could even begin to approach the complexity of flavors that good scotch carries. I suppose it's just a matter of my palate being better tuned to this than that... but damn. Perhaps, also, it's particular to how infrequently I drink on a general basis... preserves the magic of it. The exoticness.

I've made myself useful enough at the clinic that I was temping at for data entry that they're going to keep me on as a receptionist. I'll get a few more hours each week, and a firm schedule from now into the summer. I'm very pleased. It's a little boost to the ego that I've been able to demonstrate, cold, without instruction, superior organizational skills, motivation, and creative problem-solving, which always just sortof sound like inflated buzzwords on a resume. But, frankly, that's precisely what I've done here... entirely of my own accord, and not initially under the direct scrutiny of my superiors. I got -noticed-. It feels good.

A sundry.

Apr. 23rd, 2008 09:31 pm
crows: (Default)
Soup, and cramps. It's been an exhausted week, the last many days... my dreams are at least starting to come back to me, though they've been mixed. I keep meaning to start that dream journal...

That's all, really. That's really all.
crows: (Default)
Porgi, Amor:

I am with singing this in voice as of this week. I -adore- this song, and have ever since I was exposed to it when my old voice teacher, Moni, was using it to audition for an opera program when I went to visit her in Philadelphia. The last months of sight-reading have really paid off... this is the first piece of real music that I've actually had to employ it on, and it's going remarkably well considering how confident I don't feel about my ability to read the music straight off the page and figure it out correctly. It's starting to make sense in my brain though! It's a chore, pairing the intervals with the counting with the phrasing with the lyrics, but I know the difference between right and wrong and I'm not simply guessing at how it's supposed to be sung anymore. Freakin' yay!!

TDMonthly: I got my first assignment as a 'regional correspondent' this week. Basically, I'll be conducting phone interviews with retailers about new product for '08. They're going to pay me a little for the 'work' I did at Toy Fair, too. I've sent them the necessary paperwork. It's not going to be a huge source of income, but it's A: better than nothing, B: a great opportunity in terms of experience in two industries that I care about (writing and toys) and C: shouldn't be at all unpleasant. I'll probably still look for a regular job, at least part time, possibly waiting tables (I've never done that before!) once I get back from...

Oakland! Which is where I'm going tomorrow with a friend who's driving up to visit people. So. I get to visit some of my people, too! Yaytastic.
crows: (black raven)
Today, we went to the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena to celebrate Jeremy's birthday.

It was phenomenally gorgeous; the second time we've been there and I still feel only like I've scratched the surface, not helped by the fact that it's different all the time cause of... plants. Being different. At different times. and. Stuff.

Later that evening, while walking in downtown Pasadena, this creepy thing happened to me:

I heard a voice say 'hey, nice skirt' in my direction from the curb (no bigs; I am at this moment wearing a somewhat interesting blue and black sarong, that I love). I looked up to say thanks to a man dressed somewhat oddly in browns and whites that I vaguely recognized as... something religious, though I couldn't tell you what. He was also wearing a rosary. I said thank you. As we passed, he continued talking to us, or me... saying (and I quote!) 'You will be rewarded for that. Sarah was rewarded as well.' I have no idea. After supper, we passed by him again on the way to the car, and he said 'Sarah...' again as he passed.

Also, I just got an email back from TDMonthly finally saying they have an assignment for me. Pwntastic!

Also, starting new writing. Fail!
crows: (Default)
Well, I feel patently awful today. I've had the creeping sensation that I was getting sick for a couple now, and here it is! I thought I was ok, woke up at 7 30, then went back upstairs to lay down and stayed in bed till after 10 with the blanket over my eyes being a huddled pile of miserable. Poor Jeremy. I'm feeling a little better now... I think we're going to try to look for something to sit on in the living room (the devilcouch is leaving! On wednesday! The cushions are already gone, and the body is propped up next to the door.) which will be an interesting process considering that he STILL doesn't have his car.

So, everything has slowed down. I've been wanting to write things for several days but have had my head in such a fog that I just don't feel as though I can make the thoughts congeal. Nobody has written or called about any of the job applications I've sent out in the last week and I still haven't heard from TDMonthly, although they've been very slow in all the communication I've had with them so I'm not going to give up yet. That said, feeing shitacular has the side effect, generally, of putting me in a pretty beastly mood so, right at this very moment, I must admit to being a fair cut below optimistic, on a general basis.

In other news, week after next I'll be going up to Oakland for a few days to visit a friend of mind who's recently engaged and I haven't seen for years. Probably do some other cool hangin' out while I'm out there, as well, so... I'm looking forward to that!

Now, must find some form of gainful employment and soon!


Mar. 4th, 2008 07:57 am
crows: (red)
I hate applying for jobs.
crows: (Default)
Let's see if we can be something like organized about this:

Athlacarta: will be/is a multimedia project that a dear and talented friend may be working on with me.

Persephone: Started today; short fiction based generally on the myth of Persephone and Hades.

The Black Swan: Longer fiction concerning time-travel and ghosts.

Amber Poe: I'm back at this. There's a bunch in the journal of this story but not all of it's tagged; I'll try to do that.

[This isn't it, I'm just very tired and those are most salient on my mind at the moment].


I bought more than 30 yards of assorted material in New York.

Pants designed by a friend; denim, there will be a version for boys and for girls.

Coat for a friend of mine; black with details in something something.

Vogue pants for me in pinstripe material from New York. Pray I can find all of the pattern pieces.

Long gown with contrast/lacing panel like I did on the skirt I finished in black and silver brocade.

'Asian style' tunic in black and white silky. Half finished.


Assorted media for Athlacarta; I have a sketch of Cassie that I may expand on.

Ink painting of the overcast skyline I flew in to on returning to LA earlier. (It screamed distopia!)


Se Florindo E Fedele, out of the 24.

Anyone know where I can find good African sheet music, that they would recommend?


Work. I may be picking up some work with TDMonthly writing/editing. I'm extremely hopeful and am going to do my best to sniff out other opportunities like this.

Publication opportunities for fiction, probably in magazines and the like. Nothing late-model is ready yet for public consumption but I'll be more motivated to edit and refine once I have a tangible target in-hand.

Instruments... this still baffles me. I bought a bowed psaltery a week and a half ago. The collection continues to grow...
crows: (flying raven)
I am in Boston, this very moment. The flight(s) in were charming, the most charming part being that it started to snow just before we touched down in the city and they couldn't figure out how to get the two inches of snow off the runway for an extra full hour of flight time. Actually, it wasn't half bad, all in all... I've been on way worse flights.

Boston is gorgeous. It was snowing overnight (barely any is left) and has been raining out of an oppressively low sky all day. Mother and I brought umbrellas and wandered around the splashy streets... breezed into the library for a few minutes just to look, saw the school, hung out with my brother a little. He seems to be becoming a serviceable human being afterall.

I'm ridiculously excited about New York. A: Toy Fair is awesome, if hard work. Additionally, I may have secured myself a job writing for a toy industry online magazine. The lady sent me a trial assignment she wanted to know if I was willing to take on during Toy Fair next week. Like, yes. I have an interview of some kind Sunday evening after the show. I have been clear with them so far that I want to be able to work remotely at least some of the time, so I can travel.

crows: (Default)
Evening draws to a close.

I feel like... clutching my skull and screaming at the top of my lungs, out in the open where my voice - the most powerful instrument I have, I will ever have - can travel unimpeded and bore equally into heaven and hell.

Why? There are a lot of reasons. It is largely the myriad and force of them that makes me want to tear them by the soul out of my throat; excise these demons violently back out into the astral where they belong. Even more so, there is much I can't or wouldn't name... but things are changing, a new year rolls towards me as unyielding as a glacier. I am at once tired, afraid, and without direction as I am filled with life. Burning, frenetic life. I found that child again, that reaching curious and powerful thing that does not age behind my skin... mostly, I am happy! That's an important part of this. As anxious, as scatterbrained as I've been, as it gets closer and closer to a head I realize it is largely positive. That said, it is a very different breed of joy than what I have been accustomed to.

I want a job wherein I can make ok money (it really doesn't have to be fabulous). An hourly wage that pays overtime would be a bonus. I want to work three weeks out of every month so that I can have one week for travel. 40-50 hours a week. Does anyone have any ideas? It needs to be something that's more get-shit-done based than be-warm-body-girl based. Retail or clerical won't work cause somewhere needs to be there doing that stuff pretty much all the time; if I'm gone I'll have to be covered for, so being absent for one week out of every for will be mighty awkward. I'm a good typist. I'm open to seeking certification for something, but this is to be my next employment venture, ideally, so it can't hinge on anything like an associates degree where I'll have to be in school for a year.
crows: (Default)
Today I gave notice at my job. My manager was totally sweet about it, will still be my friend, was not disappointed in me personally, and took me out for Pink Berry frozen yogurt cause I'd never had it. I'm glad, because, she is my friend and I also look up to her a great deal. She also doesn't need me until the end of the month; took me off my remaining weekends and made my last day the 14th or so. It's a lot of stress off my shoulders.

I'll be flying home early and maybe staying a little longer. That should give me a little more ample opportunity to hook up with everybody for more than the flyby lunch, and do some meaningful work at the store.

As for NaNo, I did abandon my post over the middle of the week. I end at about 34k... way longer than anything I've ever written at a stretch. I'm extremely satisfied with my experience despite having not crossed the finish line, as it were. Jeremy and I will probably be attending the little after-party thing this Saturday.

What I finish with is 50 pages of text on a story that I feel like is conceptually solid with both the plotline and the characters. It will need substantial re-writing, and of course for the story to be finished, but it's far from trash. I don't hate it at all. Best part is, I was confronted by some of the most profound reasons why I don't usually finish stories, long or short... and they're issues I can actually focus and work on, now that I've identified what they are.

In sadder news, my grandfather was back in the hospital over the weekend. Complications with his medication. As in, how much of it was in his bloodstream.

Mother inferred that it may or may not have been accidental. That's the worst part. Not that he's sick, not that he probably doesn't have a lot of life left after today, but that he's so unhappy that there's a possibility he was trying to end his own life. It's a strange feeling... I've never been super-close to my grandparents. We've always lived far away from them, and not visited excessively. But, when blood of my blood is in harm's way, there's definitely something deeper that moves in me... a totally different feeling from when I'm worried about a friend or relative that is conventionally closer to me. It's almost as if the trauma I feel about it is totally subconscious; the reactions are delayed and sudden. Twice now, I've been totally fine, feeling very rationally about it... being able to think about how unfortunate the situation is. Then, as soon as I opened my mouth to say something to someone else about it, I started crying uncontrollably. As if someone had turned on a switch.

I've also had some very bizarre dreams lately... there might be more about those later. Right now, I'm tired.
crows: (Default)
Work: I remain employed. Angela said it was just fine if I didn't want to be a manager next year and she'd still like to keep me on as a salesperson so... I don't have to feel like I'm tethered after next January, etc.

Etc: Culver City Whole foods, where a man with bold black tattoos on his muscely arms, about my boyfriend's age, gave us advice on fine salame and cheese pairings. Talked about HIS girlfriend, whose family is from Italy, and they visit them.

Holiday: Have a happy one, all of you!


Nov. 19th, 2007 08:35 am
crows: (Default)
Today, I think, I'm going to go in and tell my manager why and how I probably won't be with the company after the first of the year. We'll see if I make it.


crows: (Default)

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