...and feel what reaches back.
Feb. 25th, 2012 06:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crowsA solid day and a half with a short interval of sleep running around the Iowa/Minnesota back-country alongside the companionable wanderlust of auto_destruct. So much ground covered. So many photos. So much mad, wild Weird howling down the empty road on the edge of our tail lights. Holy shit, man.
When I was young, a great deal of ... my practice, my interaction with the unseen, my occult life, whatever, involved there being nothing, or almost nothing, that I was unwilling to drive my fingernails into and try to crack open. We stirred up a lot of things, in those days. I have fled, terrified, by foot or car, out of and away from a lot of things because my psychic equivalent of shrieking YOUR MOTHER! at some glimpsed eye in the sky brought a little more heat than we were prepared to handle at the time. I've seen a lot of bullshit and heard a lot of voices.
And then, I went to ground. It was things here that got to me. Youth, foolishness, people, mainly. The first two directing too many decisions about the last, giving too much too fast too often and exerting a less than ample share of the weight of my skepticism to counterbalance the impulse to love, to touch.
I've fixed those things, by the way.
But there were years of silence. A few slow, shy endeavors to open my mouth again, to allow someone in, to share, usually ended disastrously. You know. People take advantage. You have to learn how to...
Stop them. No, that's not right, you have to learn how to keep those people from being in your life in the first place. I have. It's been a long road. I am astounded and fortunate for how fantastic the web of my friends and loved ones is today. You're all so bloody beautiful and fascinating, and good to me, and I'm proud to know you. It's important not only for the fact of my wellbeing but also because the magic and symbolism that goes in to the way people interact with each other is an integral part of the magic that I hold in me. It works on those rails. Our connections are desperately important, not only that they exist but how and why and I've forgotten somewhat, these late years, that this is the reason behind all of the strange ways that I want to understand people, that I want to get to know people, and how close I feel or want to be to my friends. My life makes less sense when I'm not holding that fact among the lights at my helm. A lot less sense.
My vocabulary for these things is so rusty. The old guard and myself grew up into them and evolved a common language. There's a part of me that used to be better at communicating about these issues that feels atrophied from the years of stubborn, defensive silence. I don't want to live in that citadel any longer. I am having this conversation again. I couch this in terms of tentativeness to myself, but I know that's not what's going on. I'm here, I'm awake, I'm out, and I have not forgotten. It's not nice, it's not gentle, it's not safe; I'm furthermore afraid to say I'm not interested in having that net below me, either.
Put shortly, I'm a troublemaker. I've been concerned in the last year about a shift in some of the important symbolic dynamics that live in my life. Dark dreams, dark rivers, dark names... things that are strange to me, shadows that are not the usual shadows. could some of this perceived slip be due to the fact that I am not, in an assertive and accountable fashion, engaging with the archetypes that feel like home to me? The Trickster. This is always the pattern I've been drawn to. Go out and stir up trouble; go out and stir up change. It's all about the chaos point. It's all about the chaos.
So, I'm gonna.
It's not a matter of being at point A and wanting to be at point B. It is a matter of being there in the dark woods that you have to pass through to get from one to the other, however. Hope to see you out there.
Consider this a statement of intent.
auto_destruct. So much ground covered. So many photos. So much mad, wild Weird howling down the empty road on the edge of our tail lights. Holy shit, man.When I was young, a great deal of ... my practice, my interaction with the unseen, my occult life, whatever, involved there being nothing, or almost nothing, that I was unwilling to drive my fingernails into and try to crack open. We stirred up a lot of things, in those days. I have fled, terrified, by foot or car, out of and away from a lot of things because my psychic equivalent of shrieking YOUR MOTHER! at some glimpsed eye in the sky brought a little more heat than we were prepared to handle at the time. I've seen a lot of bullshit and heard a lot of voices.
And then, I went to ground. It was things here that got to me. Youth, foolishness, people, mainly. The first two directing too many decisions about the last, giving too much too fast too often and exerting a less than ample share of the weight of my skepticism to counterbalance the impulse to love, to touch.
I've fixed those things, by the way.
But there were years of silence. A few slow, shy endeavors to open my mouth again, to allow someone in, to share, usually ended disastrously. You know. People take advantage. You have to learn how to...
Stop them. No, that's not right, you have to learn how to keep those people from being in your life in the first place. I have. It's been a long road. I am astounded and fortunate for how fantastic the web of my friends and loved ones is today. You're all so bloody beautiful and fascinating, and good to me, and I'm proud to know you. It's important not only for the fact of my wellbeing but also because the magic and symbolism that goes in to the way people interact with each other is an integral part of the magic that I hold in me. It works on those rails. Our connections are desperately important, not only that they exist but how and why and I've forgotten somewhat, these late years, that this is the reason behind all of the strange ways that I want to understand people, that I want to get to know people, and how close I feel or want to be to my friends. My life makes less sense when I'm not holding that fact among the lights at my helm. A lot less sense.
My vocabulary for these things is so rusty. The old guard and myself grew up into them and evolved a common language. There's a part of me that used to be better at communicating about these issues that feels atrophied from the years of stubborn, defensive silence. I don't want to live in that citadel any longer. I am having this conversation again. I couch this in terms of tentativeness to myself, but I know that's not what's going on. I'm here, I'm awake, I'm out, and I have not forgotten. It's not nice, it's not gentle, it's not safe; I'm furthermore afraid to say I'm not interested in having that net below me, either.
Put shortly, I'm a troublemaker. I've been concerned in the last year about a shift in some of the important symbolic dynamics that live in my life. Dark dreams, dark rivers, dark names... things that are strange to me, shadows that are not the usual shadows. could some of this perceived slip be due to the fact that I am not, in an assertive and accountable fashion, engaging with the archetypes that feel like home to me? The Trickster. This is always the pattern I've been drawn to. Go out and stir up trouble; go out and stir up change. It's all about the chaos point. It's all about the chaos.
So, I'm gonna.
It's not a matter of being at point A and wanting to be at point B. It is a matter of being there in the dark woods that you have to pass through to get from one to the other, however. Hope to see you out there.
Consider this a statement of intent.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-26 05:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-27 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-27 08:30 pm (UTC)One of the things I've been learning (or re-learning) recently is that the maxim "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with" is often true in a lot of unexpected ways, and that often there are people who are good people, who you like, whose friendship you value, who nonetheless can be toxic to you and the life you want to live. It's a hard lesson to learn.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-27 08:43 pm (UTC)