authoring destruction

It's been a healthy two weeks since we exchanged any kind of communication whatsoever; really whatsoever. Even a hello by IM, let alone an email or god forbid a phonecall. I haven't heard his voice except for the occasional rollover to his voicemail when I have tried to call in substantially longer than that (three weeks at least? I hardly think it could be approaching a month but we might be getting there). I'm still waiting for some resolution of the scooter situation, since he is currently in possession of the single most monetarily valuable thing I own. I need to sell it in order to close (slam) the book on the LA chapter of my life. More than two weeks ago, I touched base with a repair shop that could look at it since he finally got around to assessing that the means within his reach of getting the thing started didn't actually work (that process took... at least two months).

Over the course of this period he did message my IM account once. I was working (from home) desperately to finish something that was due, and made the executive decision not to respond at the time; I think the only reason I was even signed in was to pass along a message to a friend from someone who didn't have their number, or something. I've told him too many times in the past that I wanted to talk to him to have to bend over backwards on the (extremely rare) occasions that he does decide to make some kind of contact so that he doesn't leap, with apparently gleeful haste, to the conclusion that I don't want to talk to him. I guess if he's been working so hard to have that, I should let him have it.

So I called this afternoon because I need to figure out WTF is going on with my vehicle down there. Yes, these are work hours for him but it's pretty moot. No matter what time of the day, night, or week I try to get ahold of him, I can solidly bank on not being able to. Due to computer problems at work, he's never on IM from there these days (though it seems to be that he can get on if he tries), he's never on after work at home, and abandons phone, email, and IM for the weekends (supposedly). That did roust some kind of a response from him, as he did email me briefly about having been in lunch and going to be in meetings the rest of the day.

It's all the same lines. Every time we don't talk for a substantial period, it's as a result of the last couple of weeks being 'particularly bad' for him, but he's doing 'much better now'. He goes through the litany, despite 'understanding' that I'm 'tired of excuses'. He doesn't 'mean to be so removed'.

Nothing ever changes. No matter how much I do or do not talk to him, no matter how much I do or do not pretend that nothing is wrong when I do, no matter how much trust I've tried to exert that he really is thinking of me, and the importance he professes to place on this issue, on me, on my wellbeing and friendship, is genuine in order to let things be. Nothing changes, and it's been months, and months. We're approaching a year of this. A veneer of things being 'ok' over everything that isn't, and me feeling increasingly like resolution doesn't matter at all to the other half of this. Resolution to -any- end.

I get these emails saying 'I have missed talking to you' and all this, when he won't reply to anything meaningful I send him in such a fashion that can maintain any dialog at all about the heavier situation between the two of us, and all I'm left with anymore is a stone in my stomach and the desire to just get this over with. I never wanted to feel this way about him but I'm not sure I can outrun it any longer; every little burst of energy I've had to stay ahead of it, or in more recent months pull myself out of it, has been met with further disinterest and disregard by the other party.

There once was a time I was sure of the bond, when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough. We are the same but our lives move along... and the third one between replaces what once was a love.

I LOVE COFFEE! I love it! It is wonderful!

That is all.

PS: Why is the 'official' Tom Cruise website being advertised to me right now??

Thanks to iconseeyou for the icon.

Thanks to alaskanmermaid to finding it for me and being a bad influence in all sorts of other oh-so-good ways.

;)

Fix You, by Coldplay, is playing on the coffee shop radio. I got this song, from Miss Ta's livejournal a healthy number of years ago and it was a major piece of comfort music from the hardest-time-in-my-life-before-last, when I was deciding and effecting my move to Los Angeles. I was young and stupid and in love. I hurt a lot and I was hugely full of hope, and an equal portion of terror. I did that thing. The world got a little smaller, I've ended up a little more alone since the dissolution of that affair over the course of these last now-many months.

What I'm grappling with, well... one of the many things, right now, as I clutch to life and try to get myself back in a position of some control, is the feeling of that aloneness. The part of myself that really wants to have somebody. Somebody. And then the rest of myself that reminds me that, that's a stupid thing to want in your life, as a dominating thought. It's not consuming, it's certainly not the only thing I want and I'm not particularly desperate (though I fear getting that way), as evinced by the people I've turned down in the last few months since I've been 'single' and sufficiently detached from the life that was. But god damn, I'm lonely. I want... to feel like someone wants to afford me something personal, something private; something that not everyone else gets a piece of. I want that person to be happy and patient, to have an easy smile, to take the brokeny bits of me in stride and pet my hair when I fall into those cracks, tell me how silly I am, and love me anyway. I want to be with someone who'd be happy with what I have to bring to the table, even if it's not the most fabulous and well-adjusted array of traits and opportunities ever, right now.

So many of the people around me are so god damn unhappy right now... and yea, there are some pretty shitty things going on right now, in people's personal lives and in the world at large. I get that. But it makes me want to scream. Why are we all driving ourselves gleefully onward and onward in this self-reciprocating cycle of misery? SO much of these moods are based so solidly in choice, direct in the moment choice, that I just want to grab everyone's collective shoulders and give them a good shake. IS IT WORTH IT?! NO, IT ISN'T. Even my mother... Just let it be. This is your life. Yea, I realize it's not everything you ever dreamed of. Neither is mine. But this ... this isn't helping you, or me, or anyone else in the world. It's the most frustrating thing I can imagine. Everyone's entitled to a bad day; I have them too, god knows. But you've got to be able to shake yourself out of it and turn to, right? Else, what the fuck are any of us doing here? I guess what's started to get to me in the last few weeks is the absolute disinterest in doing that, that I see among a great number of people. They relish their unhappiness; they cultivate it. Particularly when this hits close to home, among people I love, it just kills me.

Alright, enough bitching. I have work that I ought to be doing.

I wish I'd have posted something joyful and cherrious about Obama being elected. I'm... I really am very very happy.

Unfortunately, the state I live in looks like it's going to elect a felon convicted of political crimes to senate, and the state I was living in just re-banned gay marriage. Kinda harshes my buzz, man.

Dear America,

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

<3,
M