authoring destruction

The downstairs neighbor (or rather, her belligerent douchebag boyfriend) was at it again last night, cranking the music up with as far as I can tell the specific intent of pissing her and the rest of the house off. They've gotten at least one disorderly house fine, several visits from the police on noise complaints, and a sternly worded letter from the landlady and on more than one occasion we've heard him turning the noise up and her turning it back down and them fighting about it. He knows he's getting her evicted.

Upshot being I didn't sleep much, not nearly enough to recover fully from yesterday and go in to work at 515. Work was... pretty god damn busy, and I've been feeling dimly nauseous and fairly foggy most of the day. So I came home and washed my tattoo and laid on the couch in my piejams and watched stupid television for the afternoon and now Delia is making supper.

My feet didn't hurt much at/after work. I've worked slightly fewer hours this week but not a lot, and have gone comparably pain free. This seems to be a marked improvement. And despite feeling sort of tired and crapped out physically in other ways (I think feeling a little bit drained after the ink experience is reasonable, especially given that I didn't have a good opportunity to sleep it off), my mood isn't suffering a lot. I mean, I didn't want to be at work, but I don't normally want to be at work at the end of the week when I've only slept a few hours. So all in all, not miserable, not dipping into too much anxiety (Kris the tattoo lady said she's been taking B vits as of recently as well and they're helping her anxiety a lot), and feeling like I'll be able to get things done and enjoy myself throughout my next couple of lighter days (and Sunday off - off of everything, even choir).

Also, I had violently apocalyptic dreams last night. Not nightmares... definitely frightening but fear wasn't the central part of the dream and I didn't wake up upset. Only had fragments when I came out, but committed what I could to memory. It was all very bright... very sunny (outside), very clay colored. Terra cotta and dust. People were dying of... something. I don't know if it was plague, or what, but they were rotting away, like some combination of sepsis and gangrene. Not in a zombie way, though... everyone was still aware. Spitting up green, blotched and soft, bloating like corpses. I was in a house full of survivors (some of us were survivors longer than others). Boarded up, chaos on the outside, don't really know what was going on. When I left... I was alone. But I don't think I was the last person alive in the house, maybe we just all split up at that point. I don't feel like I knew much about any of those people. Anyway, I found my way toward people who had lived through at least that wave of whatever was happening. There was some kind of semi-organized gathering place, a cafeteria or meeting hall or something, and I was befriended by two Indian people (a man and a woman; siblings or good friends). We decided to stick together... I have a dim sense of there being some kind of authority, sort of. A presence trying, if sternly, to keep us safe, and a threat from the outside but I don't know if it was the sickness or something more sentiently malicious or what. I kept trying to convince them to go back to my house so I could get some of my things (cell phones still seemed to be working, and I wanted mine, and my ipod, and a couple of other things). I'm unclear now whether my house was where I'd been with all the dying people or not. I also feel like I had some other reason for wanting to go back that I was hesitant to tell them, but I don't remember what it was.

Good energy most of the day (afternoon was very long, quite busy, but once I was out of work I was okay). Didn't start the day in pain, didn't end the day in as much pain as I've sometimes been in after a 9.5hr shift. It's only Tuesday, but I'm optimistic. Ate supper at a reasonable hour. Not miserable tonight, despite the fact that TBND just started up. Good. God.

I realize that moving out west is probably just going to trade these for some other noisy fucking neighbors but this band is so bad, and I've been putting up with them for two fucking years I mean honestly.

Tattoo tomorrow (nervous). Taxes Thursday.

Wow. Today, eventually, rendered me totally undone by a headache. And I do mean totally.

Headaches. I get them, sometimes. They're a fact of life. Not a major one... I don't have them ALL the time. And I don't 'have migraines'. I guess that's what I got today? Anyway. I woke up with a headache. A mere mortal headache. It's never a good sign when I do; sleep is normally the cure so when sleep is the cause I know something is wrong in my world. I was not, however, surprised - see my last post for the rest of the state I woke up in.

It sort of came and went throughout the day. Bad enough to mention, not bad enough to stop me from doing anything. I did notice a little light sensitivity when I went for a breakfast sandwich this morning. It was very sunny - that bright Autumn sunlight when the air is clear. And I've been a bit of a troglodyte the last few days, so again, this didn't really surprise me. It wasn't BAD; just... whoa! Squinty bright. And then I got used to it and had forgotten by the time I got to coffee.

I felt worse by the time I drove up to my grandparents' house for supper. I'd already half-abdicated cooking the whole meal tonight, my cousin was bringing up wings and I was just going to get some side dishes rolling and make sure they didn't need anything. I bailed, however, before my cousin got there with supper (a little later than anticipated) and was in tears before I even got on the freeway between Coralville and Iowa City. Got home. Dropped my things very randomly around the house, ended up half naked from struggling out of any constrictive clothing, curled into the fetal position underneath all my blankets and bawled helplessly for a while. (Note: I have never in my life been moved to tears by a headache.) I eventually made it up, fumbled around in my things until I found a pill bottle with one Advil (my preferred painkiller) and two extra-strength Tylenol (I took those on the recommendation of a friend). Went back to bed and cried some more. Eventually fell asleep for about an hour and woke up feeling... mostly normal again. My head still feels -funny-, not uncommon when I've painkillered away a headache. Like, the headache is still there I've just rerouted my bodily understanding around a critical receptor or something.

Anyway, I'm still trying to figure out what that was all about. In the last couple of weeks I've been eating lightly, but reasonably well. Very little all-premade or 'out' food, mostly home-cooked meals, plenty of protein, a decent amount of vegetables, lots of carbs --

[we interrupt this broadcast with one of my kitten's favourite attention-getting mechanisms, to wedge his little face in between my hands on the keyboard. If I had a third party here, I'd photograph it - it's adorable]

anyway, yes, lots of carbs. I eat a lot of carbs. I've even been getting a fairly balanced amount of dairy, lately (never been a trouble for me; I don't have any food allergies. Or. Other allergies. 'cept maybe annoying kitten allergies). Milk is something I rarely consume because I simply don't like it by itself which is sad for my probable lack of calcium, but I've been eating cereal with milk pretty regularly. Like, regularly enough that it has been stocked in my fridge. Preemptively even so I don't run out. In the last several days I've been trying to drink more water, because I've been quite thirsty in the evenings. It's probably still not as much as I -should- be drinking, but I have been putting down several cups throughout the day. (I drank two earlier this evening when I was still at my grandparents' place in hopes that would help. It didnt).

I'm sortof craving eggs. Now. Like they're one of the only things that sounds good to eat at the moment. I just had one crispy fried in butter and that went down very very happily (I might in fact have another before I go to bed, considering that I substituted a late bagel with jam for a decent dinner). I wonder what the complaint is? Maybe I should start taking a vitamin?

So, all of today has been one twining rope of unbelievable pain toward the back of my mouth (right side, dread complications of a wisdom tooth I probably need out (immediately), says my shabby self-diagnosis). Well, it wasn't unbelievable when it started... and it doesn't really feel like teeth. It's all in the tissue back there... some kind of infection? Is this going to poison me over night before I can call the dentist I've never met in the morning? Though the occasions where I have to see this in myself are rare (it's all part of the story, see), I am once again reduced to petulance and near-tears... yea, it hurts really bad, but I think it's mostly about the promise of having to go to a doctor. What's more, I know it's not a simple course of antibiotics on the horizon that I will probably only take half of. They're going to want to put me under anesthesia and dump drugs on me after. I know, I know, I have the option to undergo whatever procedure without but frankly that sounds even worse. I may be terrified of 'going under', (mortally so!) but I'd much rather NOT have to experience whatever it is they're going to have to do to me. I think that's my base fear of the anesthesia: that it will fail.

And I'm going to miss a significant fucking sales weekend because of it. They'd better take my god damn insurance.