authoring destruction

It's been a healthy two weeks since we exchanged any kind of communication whatsoever; really whatsoever. Even a hello by IM, let alone an email or god forbid a phonecall. I haven't heard his voice except for the occasional rollover to his voicemail when I have tried to call in substantially longer than that (three weeks at least? I hardly think it could be approaching a month but we might be getting there). I'm still waiting for some resolution of the scooter situation, since he is currently in possession of the single most monetarily valuable thing I own. I need to sell it in order to close (slam) the book on the LA chapter of my life. More than two weeks ago, I touched base with a repair shop that could look at it since he finally got around to assessing that the means within his reach of getting the thing started didn't actually work (that process took... at least two months).

Over the course of this period he did message my IM account once. I was working (from home) desperately to finish something that was due, and made the executive decision not to respond at the time; I think the only reason I was even signed in was to pass along a message to a friend from someone who didn't have their number, or something. I've told him too many times in the past that I wanted to talk to him to have to bend over backwards on the (extremely rare) occasions that he does decide to make some kind of contact so that he doesn't leap, with apparently gleeful haste, to the conclusion that I don't want to talk to him. I guess if he's been working so hard to have that, I should let him have it.

So I called this afternoon because I need to figure out WTF is going on with my vehicle down there. Yes, these are work hours for him but it's pretty moot. No matter what time of the day, night, or week I try to get ahold of him, I can solidly bank on not being able to. Due to computer problems at work, he's never on IM from there these days (though it seems to be that he can get on if he tries), he's never on after work at home, and abandons phone, email, and IM for the weekends (supposedly). That did roust some kind of a response from him, as he did email me briefly about having been in lunch and going to be in meetings the rest of the day.

It's all the same lines. Every time we don't talk for a substantial period, it's as a result of the last couple of weeks being 'particularly bad' for him, but he's doing 'much better now'. He goes through the litany, despite 'understanding' that I'm 'tired of excuses'. He doesn't 'mean to be so removed'.

Nothing ever changes. No matter how much I do or do not talk to him, no matter how much I do or do not pretend that nothing is wrong when I do, no matter how much trust I've tried to exert that he really is thinking of me, and the importance he professes to place on this issue, on me, on my wellbeing and friendship, is genuine in order to let things be. Nothing changes, and it's been months, and months. We're approaching a year of this. A veneer of things being 'ok' over everything that isn't, and me feeling increasingly like resolution doesn't matter at all to the other half of this. Resolution to -any- end.

I get these emails saying 'I have missed talking to you' and all this, when he won't reply to anything meaningful I send him in such a fashion that can maintain any dialog at all about the heavier situation between the two of us, and all I'm left with anymore is a stone in my stomach and the desire to just get this over with. I never wanted to feel this way about him but I'm not sure I can outrun it any longer; every little burst of energy I've had to stay ahead of it, or in more recent months pull myself out of it, has been met with further disinterest and disregard by the other party.

There once was a time I was sure of the bond, when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough. We are the same but our lives move along... and the third one between replaces what once was a love.

Watching Criminal Minds with Dad:

"There's another robbery in progress. At a bank on the corner of Washington and Sepulveda."

I look up sharply; announce "Washington and Sepulveda?! There is no bank on Washington and Sepulveda!!"

Heh. I was hoping they were filming on location but they weren't :(

The Day. I shouldn't be spending it in the apartment alone but I don't have the energy to go out and do anything. I don't think I'm making anything worse; it's hot and I'd probably make myself sick if I just went to wander around aimlessly, since I haven't had more than 7 hours of sleep in the last two days. Could take myself to the cinema? Anything playing? I doubt it. Maybe I'll go down to BestBuy and see if they have anything with Alan in it on the cheap. Can't watch Die Hard too many times, can you? I mean really. Being in love with a British man whom I've never met and could be my father is so superior to having a boyfriend; I'm unequivocally sure of this fact because it can never allow this thing that I am in right now to occur again.

Secondly, thesescarsspeak and williamlee, you guys totally rock for checking in with me (without reading the former post). Also, comarre, fuzzbean, wild_eagle, thanks for responding. It really does make a difference; talk to you all sooner or later. Much love. Much love.

Getting closer. Still debating whether or not to bring the cat. On the one hand, she's happy where she is, she stresses my parents' cats out a little, and it's gonna cost me at least $200 bucks to make that all happen. On the other hand, it's my CAT. I loves her and will be lonely without her for 6 months. And. She'll be happy wherever she is. Damn entitled cat knows how to take her happiness from whatever she can get it out of better than any other creature on the planet. Hmm. Hmm.

On the way in to Santa Monica today, the there was a girl sitting at one of the bus stops we passed who was absolutely fully done up in that 'Lolita' style of dress and general persona. While people effect various different stylistic choices in their daily wear, I rarely see very many folks just out and about (kids or otherwise) who are all out in their element (with the exception of all the emo kids, who I find to be unattractive invariably). But never this sort of a look, particularly not on a girl who wasn't Asian.

She looked like one of the dolls that I quietly oggle in mythosidhe's journal with some frequency. I wanted to take her home and put her on a shelf, she was so cute.

Ok! Back from Alaska, subsequently departed for New Mexico, and have returned.

Uh.... yea.

Also: ASOIAWEFNAEGI#r%oSOIWEHWFDNJOPWIOIWE)*R%UOWSDNVKDILOWEIU)#($NTLKSD

Now that that's over with.

I had a fabulous time out there; it was good for some real decompression, of the sort that a holiday with family doesn't allow. Re-centered my creative perspective, was productive in terms of writing (glee!) and remembered how much I actually do want formal education. More of it. A lot more.

I've realize, in lieu of a resolution for the new year, what the theory of life, that maxim that I will act under while at the same time willing it should become universal law (that's right, it's my fucking categorical imperative. SUCK MY COCK, KANT)

Sorry.

Anyway, back to the point, which is:

'Just keep on trying till you run out of cake'.

-end of transmission-

I become daily more assured that I hate Los Angeles. Something about the temperament of this place disgrees with me on a level that is difficult to describe. All I know is that it isn't something that's inherent in big cities... I can exist in other big cities, that I know of, and not have this... this reaction of skin-crawly loathing that I feel more and more in my daily life here. I didn't come down expecting to love it; god knows I've never been enchanted by this city. But...

It's really neither here nor there. Maybe all I need is a break.

Work: I remain employed. Angela said it was just fine if I didn't want to be a manager next year and she'd still like to keep me on as a salesperson so... I don't have to feel like I'm tethered after next January, etc.

Etc: Culver City Whole foods, where a man with bold black tattoos on his muscely arms, about my boyfriend's age, gave us advice on fine salame and cheese pairings. Talked about HIS girlfriend, whose family is from Italy, and they visit them.

Holiday: Have a happy one, all of you!