authoring destruction

I am posting this again, from here because it is every bit as true and relevant as it was three and a half years ago, and I imagine it will continue to be.

To any future love I may have:

The world is full of things. Of many possible lives, of many impossible. We have come to crossroads, you and I, and come to them together. We may have many more, and I want to ask one small thing of you.

When we find those little lifts, in life, together: those things that work out better than we imagined, or the small unexpected pleasures, kiss me. Tally our blessings on your heart, and remember them when they are far away. Kiss me when we meet a pleasant surprise.

I am not perfect, and neither are you. This will not last forever. I will not always be with you.

If it happens that one day we wake and find ourselves at the edge of the world, where everything stops, and we have made it... take it as a pleasant surprise, tally a blessing, and kiss me.

Love,
M

Only, it isn't just for the future. It's true this very beating minute, and it's for you, for you, because I love you, because you mean so much. I have a lot more to give than I did in 2008, and I hope that I can give every one of you even a single small thing to look back on and smile, and feel warm.

Evening draws to a close.

I feel like... clutching my skull and screaming at the top of my lungs, out in the open where my voice - the most powerful instrument I have, I will ever have - can travel unimpeded and bore equally into heaven and hell.

Why? There are a lot of reasons. It is largely the myriad and force of them that makes me want to tear them by the soul out of my throat; excise these demons violently back out into the astral where they belong. Even more so, there is much I can't or wouldn't name... but things are changing, a new year rolls towards me as unyielding as a glacier. I am at once tired, afraid, and without direction as I am filled with life. Burning, frenetic life. I found that child again, that reaching curious and powerful thing that does not age behind my skin... mostly, I am happy! That's an important part of this. As anxious, as scatterbrained as I've been, as it gets closer and closer to a head I realize it is largely positive. That said, it is a very different breed of joy than what I have been accustomed to.

I want a job wherein I can make ok money (it really doesn't have to be fabulous). An hourly wage that pays overtime would be a bonus. I want to work three weeks out of every month so that I can have one week for travel. 40-50 hours a week. Does anyone have any ideas? It needs to be something that's more get-shit-done based than be-warm-body-girl based. Retail or clerical won't work cause somewhere needs to be there doing that stuff pretty much all the time; if I'm gone I'll have to be covered for, so being absent for one week out of every for will be mighty awkward. I'm a good typist. I'm open to seeking certification for something, but this is to be my next employment venture, ideally, so it can't hinge on anything like an associates degree where I'll have to be in school for a year.