Hunting signs of life

Today, the morning is cold and hazy. The hillside is green and yellow, the mountains rock-brown and red giving way to new snow mantles. I've been in a black mood the last few days; frustrated, crying spontaneously, abjectly sad. I'm giving over as valiant an effort as possible to deal with things before I have to. Not so much worldly things, they don't trouble me as much, but the emotional things I've been having difficulty digesting. There are no firm answers, yet, but I think I'm learning slowly where things lie, even if the other people involved are doing their best not to talk to me about it. If it is intended as mercy, I want to appreciate it, but I'm tired of being in limbo. I know it isn't that simple; but I wonder how much a part that is? The temptation to really just throw in the towel and cut my losses becomes very strong between two-hour stints of sleep when I'm laying awake (again). Double bed, cold room, silent city. So many disquieting notions keeping my company. I don't know what I'm going to do about school residency; day by day, it looks more and more unlikely that I'll be returning to California. There is a certain suspicion in me that even another city will be too close; there will be too many reminders. But a fresh start and a clean slate somewhere else doesn't break me out of my own mind, aren't just that simple, and take a long time. Maybe what I need is a lottery win and a lobotomy before I try the aforementioned.