Giving up inside like me...
Mar. 28th, 2003 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crowsI'm still singing to Dragoneyes sometimes. Still looking into the irises of strangers, searching for that fleck of color, that sparkle. I don't want to ride of into the sunset. I seek no liberation from the confines of my love affair. I've come to the awkward state of Dragoneyes being an idea, an abstraction, more than a being of any sort... and I'm not sure I understand just what idea Dragoneyes is anymore. I'm still looking.
If I could still stomach the word Soulmate I think Dragoneyes would still be it; falling lightly under the same subject heading in the verbose, cosmic memo that the Powers That Be wrote about love. I do not, however, believe in the Soulmate as it is advertised to be… I can’t. Soulmate has come to be an ultimate, and end piece, finality. There was one, for me. Bound within my life, within all of my lives, since the beginning. I have learned not to regret what I have committed to my past… but I want to be out of that situation now. It’s over now. Especially that someone is here that I can grow with, that treats me well… And I worry that he is not the first to have made my mind sway from it’s subconscious and potentially misguided devotion to R. I fear that, once this cycle closes, I will forget again and fall into the old astral trap again. I fear that I have not yet been able to free myself from that particular dynamic, although I have no traces of memory from the moments of doubt, and subsequent resolution, that I have experienced in this life concerning him.
I have –decided- that it is over, and I have the power to make that decision. This is where the epicenter of my schism with Soulmate lies. I have that power, to decide that one thing is over; to open the door for another chapter to begin unfolding.
If I could still stomach the word Soulmate I think Dragoneyes would still be it; falling lightly under the same subject heading in the verbose, cosmic memo that the Powers That Be wrote about love. I do not, however, believe in the Soulmate as it is advertised to be… I can’t. Soulmate has come to be an ultimate, and end piece, finality. There was one, for me. Bound within my life, within all of my lives, since the beginning. I have learned not to regret what I have committed to my past… but I want to be out of that situation now. It’s over now. Especially that someone is here that I can grow with, that treats me well… And I worry that he is not the first to have made my mind sway from it’s subconscious and potentially misguided devotion to R. I fear that, once this cycle closes, I will forget again and fall into the old astral trap again. I fear that I have not yet been able to free myself from that particular dynamic, although I have no traces of memory from the moments of doubt, and subsequent resolution, that I have experienced in this life concerning him.
I have –decided- that it is over, and I have the power to make that decision. This is where the epicenter of my schism with Soulmate lies. I have that power, to decide that one thing is over; to open the door for another chapter to begin unfolding.