Deep in the blue winter.

Fix You, by Coldplay, is playing on the coffee shop radio. I got this song, from Miss Ta's livejournal a healthy number of years ago and it was a major piece of comfort music from the hardest-time-in-my-life-before-last, when I was deciding and effecting my move to Los Angeles. I was young and stupid and in love. I hurt a lot and I was hugely full of hope, and an equal portion of terror. I did that thing. The world got a little smaller, I've ended up a little more alone since the dissolution of that affair over the course of these last now-many months.

What I'm grappling with, well... one of the many things, right now, as I clutch to life and try to get myself back in a position of some control, is the feeling of that aloneness. The part of myself that really wants to have somebody. Somebody. And then the rest of myself that reminds me that, that's a stupid thing to want in your life, as a dominating thought. It's not consuming, it's certainly not the only thing I want and I'm not particularly desperate (though I fear getting that way), as evinced by the people I've turned down in the last few months since I've been 'single' and sufficiently detached from the life that was. But god damn, I'm lonely. I want... to feel like someone wants to afford me something personal, something private; something that not everyone else gets a piece of. I want that person to be happy and patient, to have an easy smile, to take the brokeny bits of me in stride and pet my hair when I fall into those cracks, tell me how silly I am, and love me anyway. I want to be with someone who'd be happy with what I have to bring to the table, even if it's not the most fabulous and well-adjusted array of traits and opportunities ever, right now.

So many of the people around me are so god damn unhappy right now... and yea, there are some pretty shitty things going on right now, in people's personal lives and in the world at large. I get that. But it makes me want to scream. Why are we all driving ourselves gleefully onward and onward in this self-reciprocating cycle of misery? SO much of these moods are based so solidly in choice, direct in the moment choice, that I just want to grab everyone's collective shoulders and give them a good shake. IS IT WORTH IT?! NO, IT ISN'T. Even my mother... Just let it be. This is your life. Yea, I realize it's not everything you ever dreamed of. Neither is mine. But this ... this isn't helping you, or me, or anyone else in the world. It's the most frustrating thing I can imagine. Everyone's entitled to a bad day; I have them too, god knows. But you've got to be able to shake yourself out of it and turn to, right? Else, what the fuck are any of us doing here? I guess what's started to get to me in the last few weeks is the absolute disinterest in doing that, that I see among a great number of people. They relish their unhappiness; they cultivate it. Particularly when this hits close to home, among people I love, it just kills me.

Alright, enough bitching. I have work that I ought to be doing.