Need.

[crows]

I need someone to be listening. I do not feel unheard, or alone... I know that if I asked, they would be here... but it is not them I am trying to reach. I have already reached them. That is why they have stayed with me. I understand this. Bond established; there has to be something after this.

I am grasping... I am hanging on the edges of words I did not speak, hanging on the edges of other people's dreams, grasping at the fray and wishing, -wishing- I could impress my image there.

I need someone to want this... not to want -me-, just to want the words, to need to hear something, to want to be there to catch the falling glitter of leaves and letters, glimpse the pictures of -my- mind.

I feel my vision is lost, if I am the only one to see it. I feel, almost, outside of my own circle... it's a strange sort of angst that has clutched me in recent weeks. The skies have been so heavy, and so grey... it's been so dark, but not so cold.

These clouds of lead are incubating something greater, and I do not wish to miss the opportunity to be a part of it.

I will not succumb to the belief that I have been forgotton.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_kelvin/]

i don't know who you are
i know only your words
is that the answer to your question ?

teaching passion

[chaotique.livejournal.com]

No.

It runs deeper. It is in the desert now, but will move again. Soon.

Re: teaching passion

[http://users.livejournal.com/_kelvin/]

will you wait for it ?

Re: teaching passion

[chaotique.livejournal.com]

As long as I can. I fear I might not have the sand in me to wait long enough though.

Re: teaching passion

[http://users.livejournal.com/_kelvin/]

borrow the strength from other sources

Re: teaching passion

[chaotique.livejournal.com]

For that I wonder -and- I fear. It would be... uncouth of me, I think sometimes, to tap the souces I know are there for me, somewhere, perhaps not waiting but accessable... There again I've laid no claim to being the most orthodox person on the face of the planet.

And to take strength.... There is a clash in my mind, of which you are involved in potently due to something I believe to be a dream I do not consciously remember (like the speak of dragons. You may or may not know what I mean by that though). I will, since this very setiment has been boiling in my blood for some days now, at least animate it into text... In retrospect, I left a rather insensitive message in respose to your illness... the thought it carried was bound up with a very abrupt stab of concern for a stranger, and a snap to the heaviness I've felt in relation to my own world. That very world, the one I live in day to day all the way across this planet from where you say you are located physically, sickens deeply as well. It's February and should be ten below (F)... it might be below freezing now, but we've had honest rain and this persistant, poison-bitter wind. Warm. Everything is melting, disintegrating, changing... there are god forsaken violets blooming in my father's flower garden.

I hesitate to confide this to the few remaining members of my circle, loyal and trustworthy though they are, because I run with the distinct feeling that I (myself, and no more) am the only one to which any of this, or its even vague relation to itself, has any importance whatsoever.

Though it looks grim, by all rationality, I thought I might at least -try- the odds of spilling my head to a stranger... I hope some of it made a little bit of sense.

Re: teaching passion

[http://users.livejournal.com/_kelvin/]

we all fear relying upon our friends, though they are there in sickness as well as health.
borrowing strength, not confiscating. a contribution from you would be asked in return, some when. checks and balances exist, no one can hoard for themselves for too long.

i don't understand about my potential involvement, dragons and dreams. could you explain further ?
i didn't interpret your message as insensitive at all. i'm rather a difficult person to offend for too long a time in any case.

the worlds weather patterns sicken you ?
we all are the most important persons to ourselves, at least in the earliest stages.
you made some sense, you can be assured.

Re: teaching passion

[chaotique.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, it's good to know someone can speak to me levelly at this point. I worry I'm not hearing it sometimes... I'm going through a slightly more irrational period in my already irrational existance. And that's alright, it just takes adjustment.

The weather patterns, perhaps not in the world but certainly those encompassing my area, do not sicken me so much as they are sick themselves. There is fever in the wind, whispering and pernicious. I am not ill with it... just often tired and almost always cold, despite the unseasonable (extremely unseasonable) heat. Warm spells come like this periodically, but never last for more than a few days... we're coming on two weeks now for this one.

Your 'involvement' as I put it is less something that I can outline in logical detail than it is a visceral sensation. I tend to live as best I can by those, due to the nature of my being. When I read your posts about your ailment, it felt very much like something inside of me lurched rather violently. I was overcome by considerable anxiety at the time, trying to peice together thoughts that I still cannot quite see in full.

This is the 'clash' in my mind that I referred to, and I have this feeling in the back of my spirit that something told me, as in a dream, that the two incidents were somehow threaded together. I couldn't hazard a guess at -what- that connection was, but, we take what we can get...

I suppose that's where dragons wriggelled in there, but that's a simpler explanation. I've 'spoken' to one or two of them, in a sense, and in my experience when one is speaking to a dragon, one will be aware of the communication and participating, but will immediately 'forget' all or most of what was said. It seems to become subconscious knowledge, rather than conscious knowledge, as if descending immediately into the very depths of the long term memory.

This might go a little further into what I meant to convey, but certainly let me know if I've not made myself understood. It's quite probable.

Re: teaching passion

[http://users.livejournal.com/_kelvin/]

irrationality can be overruled if one is prepared to listen ... listen, and not merely nod emphatically and shrug at the appropiate moments. *smile*

you chill in the heat perhaps because it is not who you are ? certain people prosper under certain climates, and you may be unsuited to the fires & heat that the weather is providing ...

you can't see your dreams ? or rather, remember them ? or is it this specific that bothers you ?
personally, i rarely recall my dream wanderings.

are your dragons spirits ? that does seem to be the impression i am recieving.




i don't know what to say about my 'involvement' ... if it means something to you, then by all means continue. i'm merely unsure of how to react.