![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crowsCan I
Hold you
In pages
Adore you
Your words they
Have power
Over Me
I have dreamed of your...
Majesty.
I still feel this sense of inadequecy. No matter what love, or affection comes between us in sparks and waves. No matter how my hair is touched, my forehead kissed, my body held, my tears stopped... I feel this stubborn need to do more, to be assured that all is right with us, to create for -him-... And I feel like I can't.
I wan't so much to write something that will please him... and I don't think I can. The written word is my oldest and my most calling passion. It stagnates of late, driving needles into my eyes as every literary idea I have backfires. That, in itself, is more a seperate entity from our differing tastes in literature... It still does not displace the agonizing, small sensation that nothing that truly comes from -me- will every please the grounded, rational part of his mind that dictates things like the understanding of language... My poetic offerings feel so much more meagre now. He'd never look on me with disdain... I just fear he will never be able to gather the sentiment I intend.
I'm so anxious lately. Anxious and stressed and wanting, losing a grip on something or another but coming into other realms of possibility, even as I slip.
Searching for a heart as ripe as your smile
I have left you here
Hope you hide me
Can I
Hold you
In pages
Adore you
These words they cast
This feeling over me
Can I
Know you
In pages
Enthrall you
In words that have
This power over me
... in your majesty ...
Claire Voyant - Majesty
And I'm still stinging from Saturday night, unjustly. Unbeknownst to me, he'd not slept a wink in a day and a half. That wears on a person... I understand that. Right after work, I had a meeting for our local Renn Faire production (I'm going to be the court singer... trala!) so, I went to that and to 'The Den' after to hang out with some of the members of the court I'm to be a part of. I was going to go to a movie, but decided not to after having called my parents to tell them I'd be out. I ended up driving around a bit, and my travels brought me by Al's, which is a bar his family frequents so regularly that I was 99% sure he was there, which he was. The nice man at the door agreed to go in and find him so I could say hi, since I can't exactally -go- into a bar legally, and after a few minutes he emerged. I was figuring it would just be... a nice thing, a small surprise, since he's expressed to me before that unexpected visits are perfectly acceptable, and that he likes to see me (I should hope so). As a little back story, half of the time I hear about his bar evenings (just about all of them) he remarks about how most of the night was boring, and that he sat around doing nothing. So, I said I had some time, and asked if he wanted to dash out for a half hour or so, just to go... see eachother for a bit. I wasn't expecting a yes answer, but I've been working on this 'actually asking for what I want' and 'actually speaking what's on my mind' issues, being as that I have a significant other who -actually- listens to me. I was figuring he's just say 'yes' if he wasn't busy, or 'no' if he was, and that would be just fine for both of us... but he got upset with me. He seemed so anxious to see me leave, as if I was trying to drag him out on a leash. We said our goodbyes, and I left with my tail between my legs, my whole gesture vastly misinterpreted. I was already scheduled to pick him up the next day for some errands, and got to Edna's house to find him on the floor in a back room under his coat (that hurts. I hate it when I feel his not being taken care of/taking care of himself, but currently it can't be helped). He immediately recognized that I was upset, and was upset himself for having been the way he was last night. He knew he had taken my intent very backwardly, and appologized and appologized. He said, had he been thinking straight, he would have gone out with me... because they -weren't- doing anything at the bar that night. They were playing a tedious game of darts, and nothing was going on... but he hadn't slept in a lot of hours and his head wasn't on straight... I recognize this. It was out of character, and I don't expect things like that to occur often... in fact, I know they won't... but still. The ache of the bruise is still there. He cried. He cried because he knew that there would be a time I had the opportunity to come find him when we didn't already have prior plans, and that I would think twice about it or even decide against it, because of this. He could see that in my face, and it's true, because these things echo with me... and I feel insecure about intruding on his personal time with his family/adult friends/etc. I wish I could rectify it, for him and for me. He swears I'm welcome to speak with him anywhere he is, no matter who he's with... and I believe that with all my heart, but... I still feel stung by it, and I'm not sure what to do with myself on that front. (/heart outpouring)
Hold you
In pages
Adore you
Your words they
Have power
Over Me
I have dreamed of your...
Majesty.
I still feel this sense of inadequecy. No matter what love, or affection comes between us in sparks and waves. No matter how my hair is touched, my forehead kissed, my body held, my tears stopped... I feel this stubborn need to do more, to be assured that all is right with us, to create for -him-... And I feel like I can't.
I wan't so much to write something that will please him... and I don't think I can. The written word is my oldest and my most calling passion. It stagnates of late, driving needles into my eyes as every literary idea I have backfires. That, in itself, is more a seperate entity from our differing tastes in literature... It still does not displace the agonizing, small sensation that nothing that truly comes from -me- will every please the grounded, rational part of his mind that dictates things like the understanding of language... My poetic offerings feel so much more meagre now. He'd never look on me with disdain... I just fear he will never be able to gather the sentiment I intend.
I'm so anxious lately. Anxious and stressed and wanting, losing a grip on something or another but coming into other realms of possibility, even as I slip.
Searching for a heart as ripe as your smile
I have left you here
Hope you hide me
Can I
Hold you
In pages
Adore you
These words they cast
This feeling over me
Can I
Know you
In pages
Enthrall you
In words that have
This power over me
... in your majesty ...
Claire Voyant - Majesty
And I'm still stinging from Saturday night, unjustly. Unbeknownst to me, he'd not slept a wink in a day and a half. That wears on a person... I understand that. Right after work, I had a meeting for our local Renn Faire production (I'm going to be the court singer... trala!) so, I went to that and to 'The Den' after to hang out with some of the members of the court I'm to be a part of. I was going to go to a movie, but decided not to after having called my parents to tell them I'd be out. I ended up driving around a bit, and my travels brought me by Al's, which is a bar his family frequents so regularly that I was 99% sure he was there, which he was. The nice man at the door agreed to go in and find him so I could say hi, since I can't exactally -go- into a bar legally, and after a few minutes he emerged. I was figuring it would just be... a nice thing, a small surprise, since he's expressed to me before that unexpected visits are perfectly acceptable, and that he likes to see me (I should hope so). As a little back story, half of the time I hear about his bar evenings (just about all of them) he remarks about how most of the night was boring, and that he sat around doing nothing. So, I said I had some time, and asked if he wanted to dash out for a half hour or so, just to go... see eachother for a bit. I wasn't expecting a yes answer, but I've been working on this 'actually asking for what I want' and 'actually speaking what's on my mind' issues, being as that I have a significant other who -actually- listens to me. I was figuring he's just say 'yes' if he wasn't busy, or 'no' if he was, and that would be just fine for both of us... but he got upset with me. He seemed so anxious to see me leave, as if I was trying to drag him out on a leash. We said our goodbyes, and I left with my tail between my legs, my whole gesture vastly misinterpreted. I was already scheduled to pick him up the next day for some errands, and got to Edna's house to find him on the floor in a back room under his coat (that hurts. I hate it when I feel his not being taken care of/taking care of himself, but currently it can't be helped). He immediately recognized that I was upset, and was upset himself for having been the way he was last night. He knew he had taken my intent very backwardly, and appologized and appologized. He said, had he been thinking straight, he would have gone out with me... because they -weren't- doing anything at the bar that night. They were playing a tedious game of darts, and nothing was going on... but he hadn't slept in a lot of hours and his head wasn't on straight... I recognize this. It was out of character, and I don't expect things like that to occur often... in fact, I know they won't... but still. The ache of the bruise is still there. He cried. He cried because he knew that there would be a time I had the opportunity to come find him when we didn't already have prior plans, and that I would think twice about it or even decide against it, because of this. He could see that in my face, and it's true, because these things echo with me... and I feel insecure about intruding on his personal time with his family/adult friends/etc. I wish I could rectify it, for him and for me. He swears I'm welcome to speak with him anywhere he is, no matter who he's with... and I believe that with all my heart, but... I still feel stung by it, and I'm not sure what to do with myself on that front. (/heart outpouring)